Yes, I promised myself I would never mess with William Carlos Williams ever again, much less quote him in my blog. But.... well.... This is just so perfect. I have to quote it. And I'm sorry for my own poetry which comes after. I know it freaks people out when I show them poetry - they don't know what to say. Some people think poetry is something that can't be critiqued and ought not to be critiqued. Well, darn (note: r n not m) you, it should be critiqued and I need it critiqued. I'm especially interested in hearing the reactions of those I've showed my poem to before. Is it any better?
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Be patient that I address you in a poem
there is no other
fit medium.
The mind
lives there. It is uncertain,
can trick us and leave us
agonized.
But for resources
what can equal it?
There is nothing. We
should be lost
without its wings to
fly off upon.
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Riverside Footsteps
I hear them, close beside me,
though my eyes are closed I feel their tempo
- I could almost see them -
Slow, stately,
Creeping, in ballet-step,
China-doll and egg-shell soft,
a graceful effort to keep the peace unbroken.
An uneasy truce between silence and speaking.
Eyes closed, a figure sits,
highlighted by the sun,
melting into shadow,
a half-light, half-dark reminder of the people-conflict.
Ironic that peace sits so close by,
embodied in a human silhouette:
Highlighted by bright colors,
faerie colors,
the antithesis of fading white-washed dreams.
Eyes open, I see the leaves flash golden and fantastic red,
translucent flames before a fiercely glowing sun,
falling, quiet, a shining royal ground-carpet.
A bridge, half-drawn through trees,
built of shadow threads, cobweb thin,
holding three still figures
swinging slightly with the leaves -
echoing stilled contradictions.
Liquid sunlight glides beneath,
a bug upon the waters glinting -
and, as I see the other figures do, I close my eyes,
feeling better warmth on one side,
feeling too the cooling shadow on the other:
both together.
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3 comments:
Hey Mackenzie, this is Edward: Jonathan's buddy. I heard you desired critiquing of your poetry so I have elected to analyze the poem. Here goes!
--Riverside Footsteps--
I hear them, close beside me,
though my eyes are closed I feel their tempo
- I could almost see them -
Slow, stately,
Creeping, in ballet-step,
China-doll and egg-shell soft,
a graceful effort to keep the peace unbroken.
An uneasy truce between silence and speaking.
[[[So this verse was one I had to keep coming back to. It didn't make sense until I finished the rest of the poem. The first stanza was explaining conflicts (you know, the way they creep up on you without notice). And the way you could almost see them was perfect for describing a conflict as well. The uneasy truce was kind of like th8e way it is when things are weird between friends. You don't converse and there is a feeling of apprehensive communication when any does actually occur. Of course, you don't converse with your conflicts but it is personification. And throughout the poem it seemed apparent to me that you were the speaker, as opposed to some arbitrary figure.]]]
Eyes closed, a figure sits,
highlighted by the sun,
melting into shadow,
a half-light, half-dark reminder of the people-conflict.
Ironic that peace sits so close by,
embodied in a human silhouette:
Highlighted by bright colors,
faerie colors,
the antithesis of fading white-washed dreams.
[[[The second stanza explains the way you see conflicts within yourself, when your eyes are closed. The first figure was anything. The figure you saw that reminded you of the people conflict. Maybe a tree, one half bathed in sunlight and the other half shrouded in darkness which created the "melting into shadow" effect. It is ironic that peace sits so close by because peace is not assumed to be nearby a conflict. Peace is actually much closer to the conflict inside than most would think. You personified peace as full of color and something that bloomed with dreams. So essentially, when you close your eyes you see reminders of your conflicts and the fact that peace is surprisingly close by.]]]
Eyes open, I see the leaves flash golden and fantastic red,
translucent flames before a fiercely glowing sun,
falling, quiet, a shining royal ground-carpet.
A bridge, half-drawn through trees,
built of shadow threads, cobweb thin,
holding three still figures
swinging slightly with the leaves -
echoing stilled contradictions.
Liquid sunlight glides beneath,
a bug upon the waters glinting -
[[[In this stanza, you open your eyes. The first bit about leaves explains itself. The bridge seemed to me to be the "bridge" formed between branches of neighboring trees. The shadow threads, cobweb thin described the branches that formed the bridge. The three figures contained in the branches were by far the hardest thing to figure out. I'm guessing they were peace, conflicts (the ones creeping up), and a constant reminder of conflict regardless if you open your eyes or close them. That's the significance of the three figures: no matter where you look, you will see reminders of conflict within yourself. The fact that they swayed slightly with the leaves was just personification. Liquid sunlight is a creek underneath all the stuff described.]]]
and, as I see the other figures do, I close my eyes,
feeling better warmth on one side,
feeling too the cooling shadow on the other:
both together.
[[[The last stanza wraps it up summary-style. You close your eyes and feel the conflict on both sides...at the same time.]]]
So that was most of what I analyzed. I must say that the third stanza was the most cleverly constructed (although the three figures seemed a little weak). Anywho, I'm running out of time...uh...because.
-----Mr. Edward J. S. Atkinson
Yes, that is correct, and I thank you for your input, although it's highly ironic that the only one who commented doesn't know me.
Paragraph 1: Yes, I'm the speaker as opposed to some random person. I was describing literally the sound of footsteps and the impression of them I got with my eyes closed (I was being led by the hand) but they do sort of symbolize the creeping up of conflict.
Paragraph 2: Actually in the second stanza the person is literally a person, sitting half in the shadow and half out. She was actually there. It's not only ironic that peace and conflict are near each other, but that peace surrounds a human figure. I rarely ever find peace near people - usually they cause the most conflict and confusion in my life.
Paragraph 3: Here we've got some other sort of conflicts. The fiercely glowing sun and the cold air, commonplace things like leaves shining like jewels, living leaves and dying leaves together, the fact that leaves are most beautiful when they're dying. The bridge is literally a swinging bridge: it swings and is seemingly thin and incomplete from my vantage point yet it's strong enough to hold three figures. It's swaying and solid. The figures are literally people that were actually there. They echo the contradiction once again of human figures at peace together. You're right about their significance.
Paragraph 4: I tried to emphasize in the fourth stanza the fact that I wanted both together - the peace and the people, the living part of fall and the dying part of fall, the cold and the warmth. I don't want to have to choose. There ought to be a way to have both. I don't like conflict - anyone who knows me will tell you I hate it. I'd like to be able to unite all the oppositions of my existence (internal and external) into one coherent whole.
All in all, that was the most complete feedback I've gotten, except from my professor (but she saw an earlier version). Once again, I thank you. I hope I clarified the meanings somewhat.... Any specific suggestions as to how I could make my meaning clearer?
Mackenzie
Sorry I can't critique, Mackenzie--I just don't get poetry in general. It makes sense now that you explained it, though. I like it, now that I understand. I like the imagery...the leaves.
You make me want to know who it was (now that you've explained it really happened).
You make me wish to be one of them; and more than that, the peaceful one. But peace doesn't much associate with me. Besides, I wish to be like her not so much because of herself as because she doesn't cause you conflict. I suppose I envy her for that.
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