There's a ringing in my ears, and I'm not sure if it's an echo of the office phones or if it's a sign of exhaustion.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping at night. I'm not sure if it's shock at actually being home, too comfortable a bed, or simply the inability to turn my brain off after it's been racing all day long. It could also be one of those "it's-easier-to-stay-up-than-make-the-effort-to-get-
into-bed-because-I'm-on-a-roll" things. It's certainly not because I've been getting too much sleep. It's to bed at ten and up at six, high-ho, high-ho, then off to work we go....
Class is going to be OK I think. More or less boring - he told us straight out we'd be spending six of the eight weeks on cell functions - but not hard, and really that's all I care about at the moment. I know, I'm a slacker, but it's summer, so I have a great excuse. Plus I'm going to a slacker college, so if I somehow managed to get into a 'hard' class, chances are they'd dumb it down halfway through, or everyone would drop out. Ah well. Thank goodness I'm not going to Calhoun full-time, that's all I'm gonna say.
Work is also going good. I think I'm remembering most of what I'm shown and told. I'm having a hard time learning how to schedule patients because there's so much to know and remember, and when patients call in with odd requests I have simply no idea what to say, but I'm learning and figuring out and all that good stuff. I'm a lot more efficient and quick to learn than the other office ladies expected, which makes me happy. I love exceeding expectations [Can you see me smile? I swear, my smile's so big and white I could blind the neighbors.]. I'm sure I'll have slightly more than I can handle when Dr. Kathy's practice starts up again, but for right now, heck, things are going good, and I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts.
How come I always get much more done on the days I would swear I have absolutely no time to spare? Today I spent two hours in class, seven hours at work, came home, made dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, tore apart several rooms looking for my embriodery thread (with Mom's help), put two rooms back to together after tearing them apart (also with Mom's help), showered, read, ate three meals, got a parking permit, learned about car insides, how to change oil, batteries, and coolant, and did a load of laundry. Good gog, I feel tired just thinking about it.
And I'm doing it all again tomorrow.... minus the parking permit and plus getting gas.
How on earth do mothers do it all? Mine works and cooks and cleans and gets everyone where they need to be. Like, every week, all the time. Sheez, I feel very tired thinking about that.
I've been thinking about bobbing my hair. Not real short. Maybe about chin length. I dunno though. I like my current haircut alright too. Eh, I guess I'm just playing around with random ideas because, face it, I just don't have enough to think about already. = )
'Night all. Sweet dreams.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
Care-ott
Care-ott does so rhyme with gare-ott. You just have to pronounce it right. [sticks tongue out at screen] So there.
Today Avery is officially 14! Well, his birthday was actually the 16th, but we celebrated it today. I'm glad he waited to have his party. I kinda felt like I didn't miss his birthday.
Mm... Tomorrow is my first day of biology class, and I have a million things I need to do (like picking up a parking permit, finding the building and the classroom, picking up a notebook from the store, making my lunch, waking Avery up before I leave, and trying to remember how the crap to get places). It's also my second day of work, and the first day that patients will be there. Whoopee. Phone duty and pulling charts. Exciting. Ah well. Those of you who know me well will recall my previous trepidation in the face of phone calls. I literally had to be forced to make phone calls, even to my friends. Now I'm a receptionist-type-person who talks to people and is polite and makes phone calls. And who wears grown-up clothes. Ah how the mighty have fallen! No, I actually feel like I've vanquished some ghosts or other. Or am at long last approaching real adulthood rather than the play-adulthood/childhood twilight in which I currently frolic. I think I'm glad for that, as long as I don't get know-it-all-itis or forget how to be random and impulsive. I at least feel like I can cope in the world now, more or less. I could at least begin to.
It's so weird - I feel so different being at home, but on the surface I feel like all our relations are going on pretty much the same as they always have. I just feel different underneath my skin. Sort of fizzling with... I'm not sure. But I'm fizzling with something. It could be tiredness. I do have to get up at 6 am tomorrow, so I think I'd better hit the sack. Au revoir my friends.
Absence makes the heart grow stronger
Or fonder I can't quite remember
Anyway
Today Avery is officially 14! Well, his birthday was actually the 16th, but we celebrated it today. I'm glad he waited to have his party. I kinda felt like I didn't miss his birthday.
Mm... Tomorrow is my first day of biology class, and I have a million things I need to do (like picking up a parking permit, finding the building and the classroom, picking up a notebook from the store, making my lunch, waking Avery up before I leave, and trying to remember how the crap to get places). It's also my second day of work, and the first day that patients will be there. Whoopee. Phone duty and pulling charts. Exciting. Ah well. Those of you who know me well will recall my previous trepidation in the face of phone calls. I literally had to be forced to make phone calls, even to my friends. Now I'm a receptionist-type-person who talks to people and is polite and makes phone calls. And who wears grown-up clothes. Ah how the mighty have fallen! No, I actually feel like I've vanquished some ghosts or other. Or am at long last approaching real adulthood rather than the play-adulthood/childhood twilight in which I currently frolic. I think I'm glad for that, as long as I don't get know-it-all-itis or forget how to be random and impulsive. I at least feel like I can cope in the world now, more or less. I could at least begin to.
It's so weird - I feel so different being at home, but on the surface I feel like all our relations are going on pretty much the same as they always have. I just feel different underneath my skin. Sort of fizzling with... I'm not sure. But I'm fizzling with something. It could be tiredness. I do have to get up at 6 am tomorrow, so I think I'd better hit the sack. Au revoir my friends.
Absence makes the heart grow stronger
Or fonder I can't quite remember
Anyway
Sunday, May 29, 2005
RhymeZone
I got a bit bored today, what with holing up in my room to avoid the dog and all, so I thought I'd visit rhymezone.com and have a bit of fun. That fun turned into a lot of ridiculousness, which I will now share with you all.
There once was a carrot,
who got strangled with a garrot.
You see it made enemies political,
On account of its being too analytical.
All falacies in logic,
even from the most demagogic,
were easy for the carrot to decipher.
This poor carrot, however, soon exploded,
for it had been frightfully goaded.
Because it was so hypercritical,
It could not stand anything hypocritical.
When in itself it found a failing,
it began ailing, and wailing, and flailing.
Thank you! Thank you very much! I'll be here all summer! [bows wildly to the left and the right, tries to bow backwards, falls over and knocks herself on the head] Ow!
Thank oo ver' mush, I'w be he' all shummer...
*little floaty star thingies*
There once was a carrot,
who got strangled with a garrot.
You see it made enemies political,
On account of its being too analytical.
All falacies in logic,
even from the most demagogic,
were easy for the carrot to decipher.
This poor carrot, however, soon exploded,
for it had been frightfully goaded.
Because it was so hypercritical,
It could not stand anything hypocritical.
When in itself it found a failing,
it began ailing, and wailing, and flailing.
Thank you! Thank you very much! I'll be here all summer! [bows wildly to the left and the right, tries to bow backwards, falls over and knocks herself on the head] Ow!
Thank oo ver' mush, I'w be he' all shummer...
*little floaty star thingies*
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Drama
I think I'm going to post my random thoughts about the common phenomenon of drama now.
C'mon, I know you're all familiar with it. Most people either thrive on it or desperately want to make it go away. Someone goes out with someone else, they break up, it's ugly and rocks the entire group of friends. Or maybe so-and-so and whats-her-nose got into a huge fight and manage to drag every single one of their acquaintances into the conflict, kicking and screaming and wrangling the whole thing out in a public place.
Yes, those are exaggerated examples, although I've seen incidents that approached that level of chaos. They appear (where else?) in Jr. High, where drama is a personality trait, and everyone's spreading their social wings only to fall flat on their collective faces.
All random examples aside, what I'm wondering is this: what in particular makes for drama? Is it good? Is it bad? Does it make life interesting or merely hellish? Riverwood, my old church in Detroit, is always awash with drama. Is that just because of the people that go there? Can one person inspire drama, or does it take a group of drama-minded people to cause an ongoing series of incidents? Is it attached to a geographical location? A certain culture? The importance and smallness of a certain group which defines one's identity? Is it intrinsically related to romantic interest and not to friendship?
Quite frankly, my life in Detroit was dramatic. Everything that happened to me seemed of first importance. I had energy and passion to spare, and every bump in the road seemed likely to cause a five-car pile-up. The smallest slight could cause an (I like this word) wrangle. Of course, I also liked someone rather a lot.
Quite frankly, my life in Alabama and at Messiah is normal. And by "normal" I mean "emotionally stable." We have good times, great times even, and we have hard times, but all in all.... it's stable. There haven't really been huge break-ups or group fights in which people take sides. There hasn't been much rampant and random hate (although I'm guilty of extreme irritation at times). I'm not sure we have much of a grapevine at Messiah, and in Alabama it's completely nonexistent. Why? Of course, in my new life I don't like someone rather a lot. Is that what makes the difference?
And why do I feel that a lack of drama makes my life slightly boring?
Or is it only that I'm slightly bored right now and lacking in mental stimulation and so I wish for things like drama which in the light of frenetic activity I would completely abhor?
Or am I simply guilty of having a very selective memory (not to mention the most attrocious run-on sentences ever - barring the Tale of Two Cities)?
Ah, the hard questions of life. I mean, it's not like questions and doubts about the nature of prayer and faith should be occupying my attention. No, I think investigating the nature and causes of drama is of first importance and should obviously fill my mind for the whole summer.
Heh. That's sarcasm, for the people who just got worried.
C'mon, I know you're all familiar with it. Most people either thrive on it or desperately want to make it go away. Someone goes out with someone else, they break up, it's ugly and rocks the entire group of friends. Or maybe so-and-so and whats-her-nose got into a huge fight and manage to drag every single one of their acquaintances into the conflict, kicking and screaming and wrangling the whole thing out in a public place.
Yes, those are exaggerated examples, although I've seen incidents that approached that level of chaos. They appear (where else?) in Jr. High, where drama is a personality trait, and everyone's spreading their social wings only to fall flat on their collective faces.
All random examples aside, what I'm wondering is this: what in particular makes for drama? Is it good? Is it bad? Does it make life interesting or merely hellish? Riverwood, my old church in Detroit, is always awash with drama. Is that just because of the people that go there? Can one person inspire drama, or does it take a group of drama-minded people to cause an ongoing series of incidents? Is it attached to a geographical location? A certain culture? The importance and smallness of a certain group which defines one's identity? Is it intrinsically related to romantic interest and not to friendship?
Quite frankly, my life in Detroit was dramatic. Everything that happened to me seemed of first importance. I had energy and passion to spare, and every bump in the road seemed likely to cause a five-car pile-up. The smallest slight could cause an (I like this word) wrangle. Of course, I also liked someone rather a lot.
Quite frankly, my life in Alabama and at Messiah is normal. And by "normal" I mean "emotionally stable." We have good times, great times even, and we have hard times, but all in all.... it's stable. There haven't really been huge break-ups or group fights in which people take sides. There hasn't been much rampant and random hate (although I'm guilty of extreme irritation at times). I'm not sure we have much of a grapevine at Messiah, and in Alabama it's completely nonexistent. Why? Of course, in my new life I don't like someone rather a lot. Is that what makes the difference?
And why do I feel that a lack of drama makes my life slightly boring?
Or is it only that I'm slightly bored right now and lacking in mental stimulation and so I wish for things like drama which in the light of frenetic activity I would completely abhor?
Or am I simply guilty of having a very selective memory (not to mention the most attrocious run-on sentences ever - barring the Tale of Two Cities)?
Ah, the hard questions of life. I mean, it's not like questions and doubts about the nature of prayer and faith should be occupying my attention. No, I think investigating the nature and causes of drama is of first importance and should obviously fill my mind for the whole summer.
Heh. That's sarcasm, for the people who just got worried.
[sigh]
[of deep contentment and weariness]
Today was a very good day.
I got up early (7:30 - almost a real peoples' schedule) and got ready and went to work, where I spent a good six hours filing things and learning things and pushing random buttons on things. I think I'll be so overwhelmed the first day or two we have patients. It's a trial and error thing though mostly, so if I can just muster up enough confidence to screw up a good ten or fifteen times I should have it down.
Then, after work, I met Kelsey (yep, Donahue, from Messiah) and her friend Brian (whom she was down here visiting). We went to this popular mexican restaurant and ate good foods, and Brian was a southern gentleman/person and opened the doors and insisted on picking up the tab. It was totally weird. I dunno though - I must be getting used to people opening doors, because it didn't freak me out all that much. Or else Brian just does it with panache (Boy I hope I'm using that word right).
And then we randomly decided to go to the Daikan festival (We found out it was tonight because Brian recognized someone from his school and yelled out the car window at her, and she was going there. Very random, pretty much like the whole evening.) and we ate cotton candy and stood around in lines and talked. It was a lot of fun. We tried to get a ride on a hot air balloon too, but by the time we'd stood in line for an hour waiting most of them were out of fuel and we didn't get to. It was sad. But it was fun to hang out with Kelsey and meet Brian. And to eat cotton candy! I so felt like I was nine again! I love cotton candy! I was so excited! Frankly, I'm still excited about that cotton candy. It was good stuff.
Then we tried to leave. It was a madhouse. It's the kind of traffic where Mom usually asks Dad to drive. It took us a full hour to get out of the parking lot and away from the congested roads. Of course, I'm not a very aggressive driver, so possibly if I'd been willing to risk our lives we could've gotten out in half an hour. But we didn't die, and I didn't panic. Kelsey told funny stories to relieve the tension and we all mutually insulted/yelled at stupid drivers and/or pushy cars. We used several interesting combinations, such as jerkface ignoramus and stupidhead poopface. Yeah, we were definitely on a roll. Someday I'm going to tell you all the best puke story ever. Kelsey told it to me, and it is hilarious. I laughed so hard I forgot to be stressed by all the craziness going on with the adjacent cars.
I could tell I was in the south again. But for some odd reason it didn't distress me. Which is good, I guess, since I'll be here for three months. The whole southern thing doesn't make me feel claustrophobic anymore. You have no idea how good that makes me feel. I feel like I've just vanquished four years' worth of demons. The culture makes me feel a little out of place sometimes, but all in all I feel... at peace with it. It doesn't have the power it used to, so while it's still annoying at times, yeah, I'm at peace with it.
What I am not at peace with is the southern concept of 'clothing'. No, half a shirt is not appropriate to wear in public! Especially not when you're nearing fifty. Honestly! Granted, I don't really approve of skanky clothes to begin with, but especially not on girls of ten and women of fifty. Sorry, it's just not right. My main goal as I near real adulthood (as opposed to the pretend adulthood I now inhabit) is to grow old gracefully. Yes, I want to have fun and all that jazz, but I want to grow old gracefully. I want to act roughly my age and dress roughly my age. I will not be wearing miniskirts when I'm forty. OK, you caught me: I will never wear a miniskirt. But I will especially never wear one when I'm forty. I will never wear a haltertop, and especially not when I'm fifty. I won't dye my hair - I want it to get grey or white or whatever naturally. I'm going to look my age. Get over it people, it happens.
I want to make my peace with growing old.
Right after I sleep, which I am really looking forward to. Today has been long, much like this blog post.
Today was a very good day.
I got up early (7:30 - almost a real peoples' schedule) and got ready and went to work, where I spent a good six hours filing things and learning things and pushing random buttons on things. I think I'll be so overwhelmed the first day or two we have patients. It's a trial and error thing though mostly, so if I can just muster up enough confidence to screw up a good ten or fifteen times I should have it down.
Then, after work, I met Kelsey (yep, Donahue, from Messiah) and her friend Brian (whom she was down here visiting). We went to this popular mexican restaurant and ate good foods, and Brian was a southern gentleman/person and opened the doors and insisted on picking up the tab. It was totally weird. I dunno though - I must be getting used to people opening doors, because it didn't freak me out all that much. Or else Brian just does it with panache (Boy I hope I'm using that word right).
And then we randomly decided to go to the Daikan festival (We found out it was tonight because Brian recognized someone from his school and yelled out the car window at her, and she was going there. Very random, pretty much like the whole evening.) and we ate cotton candy and stood around in lines and talked. It was a lot of fun. We tried to get a ride on a hot air balloon too, but by the time we'd stood in line for an hour waiting most of them were out of fuel and we didn't get to. It was sad. But it was fun to hang out with Kelsey and meet Brian. And to eat cotton candy! I so felt like I was nine again! I love cotton candy! I was so excited! Frankly, I'm still excited about that cotton candy. It was good stuff.
Then we tried to leave. It was a madhouse. It's the kind of traffic where Mom usually asks Dad to drive. It took us a full hour to get out of the parking lot and away from the congested roads. Of course, I'm not a very aggressive driver, so possibly if I'd been willing to risk our lives we could've gotten out in half an hour. But we didn't die, and I didn't panic. Kelsey told funny stories to relieve the tension and we all mutually insulted/yelled at stupid drivers and/or pushy cars. We used several interesting combinations, such as jerkface ignoramus and stupidhead poopface. Yeah, we were definitely on a roll. Someday I'm going to tell you all the best puke story ever. Kelsey told it to me, and it is hilarious. I laughed so hard I forgot to be stressed by all the craziness going on with the adjacent cars.
I could tell I was in the south again. But for some odd reason it didn't distress me. Which is good, I guess, since I'll be here for three months. The whole southern thing doesn't make me feel claustrophobic anymore. You have no idea how good that makes me feel. I feel like I've just vanquished four years' worth of demons. The culture makes me feel a little out of place sometimes, but all in all I feel... at peace with it. It doesn't have the power it used to, so while it's still annoying at times, yeah, I'm at peace with it.
What I am not at peace with is the southern concept of 'clothing'. No, half a shirt is not appropriate to wear in public! Especially not when you're nearing fifty. Honestly! Granted, I don't really approve of skanky clothes to begin with, but especially not on girls of ten and women of fifty. Sorry, it's just not right. My main goal as I near real adulthood (as opposed to the pretend adulthood I now inhabit) is to grow old gracefully. Yes, I want to have fun and all that jazz, but I want to grow old gracefully. I want to act roughly my age and dress roughly my age. I will not be wearing miniskirts when I'm forty. OK, you caught me: I will never wear a miniskirt. But I will especially never wear one when I'm forty. I will never wear a haltertop, and especially not when I'm fifty. I won't dye my hair - I want it to get grey or white or whatever naturally. I'm going to look my age. Get over it people, it happens.
I want to make my peace with growing old.
Right after I sleep, which I am really looking forward to. Today has been long, much like this blog post.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
I...what?
This morning I got up at 6:30 in some misguided attempt to regain a real peoples' schedule. I went for a walk with Mom and Dad and sort of with Aaron - he was slightly disgruntled and so was running as fast as he could to the end of the road and back to get it over with. Heehee. Eh, I wasn't much better though. I was tired. Still am, rather, but then I've been doing a lot today. I unpacked pretty much all my stuff, and while it's not all exactly put away yet (my floor is rather cluttered), it's all out of boxes and within easy reach. I do need to get the posters off my bed tonight sometime though. Whenever I get the chance.
I also cooked tonight. Yes, that's right. Well, sort of. Mom & Dad decided to run to town right in the middle of making dinner, so I got called into the kitchen just as in yesteryear and given the mighty task of finishing dinner without forgetting it or burning it (which tends to happen if I pick up a book in the middle). I managed it, and actually felt rather grown-up as I was stirring things around in the big frying pan and hunting through cabinets for the lids I no longer know where to find. Wish me luck friends, on this strange and perilous (and possibly short-lived) journey into the enjoyment of domestic tasks.
Shopping today; that went well. I got three pairs of nice work pants and a work skirt. My wardrobe has undergone the most odd transformations in the past year - almost as if it was permanently stuck in Calvin's transmogrifier. First there was a purging before I went to Messiah. Then there was a sudden acquiring of "appropriate clothes" - some nice tops, some new jeans to fill out my collection, and a couple new pairs of socks. Then, at school, came a most unholy acquisition of skirts and a dress and a crazy pair of jeans. Now I have work clothes - nice clothes - and approximately five times the number of skirts I previously owned. I feel girly. And I like my clothes. It's odd. I suppose I can learn to live with it though. I can't change it anyway.
Tomorrow I start work. It should definitely be interesting. Lots to learn and lots to do, and lots of new clothes to wear. = D My class starts on Tuesday. Good thing I got my stuff unpacked today I guess. I also ran pretty much my whole clothes collection through the wash. Yep, it was a productive day, and I'm extremely tired. I shall see you all anon - ere the sun rises mayhap. (No, I haven't been reading too many fantasy books. How dare you suggest that my vocabulary has been influenced by them?)
I also cooked tonight. Yes, that's right. Well, sort of. Mom & Dad decided to run to town right in the middle of making dinner, so I got called into the kitchen just as in yesteryear and given the mighty task of finishing dinner without forgetting it or burning it (which tends to happen if I pick up a book in the middle). I managed it, and actually felt rather grown-up as I was stirring things around in the big frying pan and hunting through cabinets for the lids I no longer know where to find. Wish me luck friends, on this strange and perilous (and possibly short-lived) journey into the enjoyment of domestic tasks.
Shopping today; that went well. I got three pairs of nice work pants and a work skirt. My wardrobe has undergone the most odd transformations in the past year - almost as if it was permanently stuck in Calvin's transmogrifier. First there was a purging before I went to Messiah. Then there was a sudden acquiring of "appropriate clothes" - some nice tops, some new jeans to fill out my collection, and a couple new pairs of socks. Then, at school, came a most unholy acquisition of skirts and a dress and a crazy pair of jeans. Now I have work clothes - nice clothes - and approximately five times the number of skirts I previously owned. I feel girly. And I like my clothes. It's odd. I suppose I can learn to live with it though. I can't change it anyway.
Tomorrow I start work. It should definitely be interesting. Lots to learn and lots to do, and lots of new clothes to wear. = D My class starts on Tuesday. Good thing I got my stuff unpacked today I guess. I also ran pretty much my whole clothes collection through the wash. Yep, it was a productive day, and I'm extremely tired. I shall see you all anon - ere the sun rises mayhap. (No, I haven't been reading too many fantasy books. How dare you suggest that my vocabulary has been influenced by them?)
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
I'm Baaaack!
Yep, that's right. I'm here at my house once again.
We have a dog in the house, and I feel violated. I'll never be clean of dogspit again. Have I mentioned that I feel violated?
[sigh] Ah well. I'll endeavor to live peaceably with Maggie. No doubt we'll reach some sort of truce fairly soon. She doesn't jump on me, I don't tie her to a tree upside down. Something like that.
That's OK, I'm at peace with it....
Ah....home.... I puttered in the kitchen tonight. Me. I puttered in the kitchen. Is that not bizarre or what? But I now have one, so I thought I should take advantage of it. I almost feel an urge to clean too, but I know I'll get my fill of that when I unpack all my crap. Oh right, I haven't done any of that yet! Crap. And I start work on Friday. And I have to go shopping tomorrow, although that might actually be enjoyable. And my class starts on Tuesday....
I've been feeling extremely girly lately. I've been oohing and ahing over babies and little kids, wishing I was pretty and attractive and had good fashion sense, and wishing for a kitchen to putter in. I swear, something is seriously wrong. This is like... an attack of the girliness beyond my most horrible nightmares. I'm not dreading going shopping tomorrow! What the crap is wrong with me?!?! Someone help.... Save me....
Gah.... stop... the... girliness....
We have a dog in the house, and I feel violated. I'll never be clean of dogspit again. Have I mentioned that I feel violated?
[sigh] Ah well. I'll endeavor to live peaceably with Maggie. No doubt we'll reach some sort of truce fairly soon. She doesn't jump on me, I don't tie her to a tree upside down. Something like that.
That's OK, I'm at peace with it....
Ah....home.... I puttered in the kitchen tonight. Me. I puttered in the kitchen. Is that not bizarre or what? But I now have one, so I thought I should take advantage of it. I almost feel an urge to clean too, but I know I'll get my fill of that when I unpack all my crap. Oh right, I haven't done any of that yet! Crap. And I start work on Friday. And I have to go shopping tomorrow, although that might actually be enjoyable. And my class starts on Tuesday....
I've been feeling extremely girly lately. I've been oohing and ahing over babies and little kids, wishing I was pretty and attractive and had good fashion sense, and wishing for a kitchen to putter in. I swear, something is seriously wrong. This is like... an attack of the girliness beyond my most horrible nightmares. I'm not dreading going shopping tomorrow! What the crap is wrong with me?!?! Someone help.... Save me....
Gah.... stop... the... girliness....
Thursday, May 19, 2005
The End Is Near!
Well, this bes the last day we're at Taylor. Mr. Wilkie is coming this afternoon to pick up Jenn and all her crap (which has not been packed yet) and take her home. And me and my crap too of course. I'm not sure if I'll have internet access at Jenn's house. I think they still have dial-up, so I may not update for a while (because I just don't think a dial-up connection would do so great with publishing my blog). If I don't, know that it's not because I've been taken ill with the 'ysterics (ten points for identifying what movie that phrase comes from, and twenty if you can also tell me who said it), hate you all, or have lost the urge to write.
Speaking of writing... I haven't done as much of it as I intended this week. I have a feeling that's about how the whole summer is going to go. I'll just get so caught up in having fun that I won't remember to do any of that really ambitious stuff that I said I was going to do. Ah well.
And I think I'll leave you with possibly my favorite John Donne poem ever (plus one in honor of being at Jenn's - I stole it from her). I'm sure you've heard at least the first one; it's rather famous. All you un-poetry people better look away now.
-------------------------------------------------------------
As virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go;
While some of their sad friends do say,
Now his breath goes, and some say,
No; So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move;
’Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.
Moving of th’ earth brings harms and fears
Men reckon what it did and meant;
But trepidations of the spheres,
Though greater far, are innocent.
Dull sublunary lovers’ love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence; for that it doth remove
Those things which elemented it.
But we, by a love so far refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Careless, eyes, lips and hands to miss,
—Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to airy thinness beat.
If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two;
Thy soul, the fixt foot, makes no show
To move, but doth if th’ other do.
And though it in the centre sit,
Yet when the other far doth roam,
It leans and hearkens after it,
And grows erect as that comes home.
Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th’ other foot, obliquely run;
Thy firmness makes my circles just,
And makes me end where I begun.
---------------------------------------------------------
Sonnet #8
Batter my heart, three person’d God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o’erthrow mee,’ and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt towne, to’another due,
Labour to’admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,
But is captiv’d, and proves weake or untrue.
Yet dearely’I love you,’ and would be loved faine,
But am betroth’d unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,’ untie, or breake that knot againe,
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you’ enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.
--------------------------------------------------------
Oh, and did I menion Truce?!
Speaking of writing... I haven't done as much of it as I intended this week. I have a feeling that's about how the whole summer is going to go. I'll just get so caught up in having fun that I won't remember to do any of that really ambitious stuff that I said I was going to do. Ah well.
And I think I'll leave you with possibly my favorite John Donne poem ever (plus one in honor of being at Jenn's - I stole it from her). I'm sure you've heard at least the first one; it's rather famous. All you un-poetry people better look away now.
-------------------------------------------------------------
As virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go;
While some of their sad friends do say,
Now his breath goes, and some say,
No; So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move;
’Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.
Moving of th’ earth brings harms and fears
Men reckon what it did and meant;
But trepidations of the spheres,
Though greater far, are innocent.
Dull sublunary lovers’ love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence; for that it doth remove
Those things which elemented it.
But we, by a love so far refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Careless, eyes, lips and hands to miss,
—Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to airy thinness beat.
If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two;
Thy soul, the fixt foot, makes no show
To move, but doth if th’ other do.
And though it in the centre sit,
Yet when the other far doth roam,
It leans and hearkens after it,
And grows erect as that comes home.
Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th’ other foot, obliquely run;
Thy firmness makes my circles just,
And makes me end where I begun.
---------------------------------------------------------
Sonnet #8
Batter my heart, three person’d God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o’erthrow mee,’ and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt towne, to’another due,
Labour to’admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,
But is captiv’d, and proves weake or untrue.
Yet dearely’I love you,’ and would be loved faine,
But am betroth’d unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,’ untie, or breake that knot againe,
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you’ enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.
--------------------------------------------------------
Oh, and did I menion Truce?!
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
No, I win!
Because I am the author and administrator of this blog and I have the almighty power to delete all unwanted and/or argumentative comments! Mwhahahaha!
[Maniacal laughter ehoes for fully five minutes before slowly dying away into an evilly gleeful silence and a very wide grin.]
Life is like a cookie - brown and complicated.
Yes, life is very complicated at the moment. Not for me particularly, other than the whole trying to figure out where on earth the lines lie here (the ones I'm not supposed to cross). And the whole trying-to-keep-my-mouth-closed-when-I-know-my-advice-isn't-wanted thing. But that's all just a matter of self-control, and I've certainly had enough practice with that.
"SATAN!!! I will exorcise you!!!"
"And OMG, LOL, he totally, like, broke her heart!"
I miss you guys.... college peoples, the summer is long. Home peoples, it'll be soon!
I really am enjoying spending time with Jenn though. = D
[Maniacal laughter ehoes for fully five minutes before slowly dying away into an evilly gleeful silence and a very wide grin.]
Life is like a cookie - brown and complicated.
Yes, life is very complicated at the moment. Not for me particularly, other than the whole trying to figure out where on earth the lines lie here (the ones I'm not supposed to cross). And the whole trying-to-keep-my-mouth-closed-when-I-know-my-advice-isn't-wanted thing. But that's all just a matter of self-control, and I've certainly had enough practice with that.
"SATAN!!! I will exorcise you!!!"
"And OMG, LOL, he totally, like, broke her heart!"
I miss you guys.... college peoples, the summer is long. Home peoples, it'll be soon!
I really am enjoying spending time with Jenn though. = D
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
All-Nighter
Yes, you read the title aright. Last night Jenn, Crim, Austin and I pulled an all-nighter. The first one of the year for me - and possibly my first one ever. I think I generally fall asleep at about 3 am. Yes, and I'm still awake at this point.
It was a weird night. My head was absolutely whirling and so I didn't even feel sleepy until 1:30 or so, and when I got in bed (and by bed I mean sleeping bag) I couldn't sleep until about 2:30. I woke up at about 3 when Jenn came in, and then couldn't fall asleep after that, so when she came in again after an adventurous trip to a gas station, I decided I would stay up with them. They were going to pull an all-nighter. So I jumped on board. We watched a movie and then I went out to see the sunrise (which was beautiful and peaceful) and then I dragged (willingly) Crim and Jenn outside to see the sun. We played in a water fountain (and by we I mean Jenn and I dabbled our feet and flicked water at each other) and ate breakfast, and I'm still up. I think we're going on a Wal-mart expedition now. Heehee. I'll let you know how the rest of the day goes. Honestly I'm just aiming to stay awake until it gets dark. I feel like once it gets dark it'll be OK to sleep because I'll be on a semi-natural sleep cycle. Y'know, up with the dawn, down with the sun. Or something like that.
Not to mention that both Jenn and I are feeling decidedly slap-happy. Poor Austin's pulled 5 all-nighters this week and had an 8 am exam this morning. Poor Crim pulled an all-nighter the night before last as well. I think both Jenn and I are coping better than the guys, if only because this is the first all-nighter either of us has pulled all year. It figures that this one is after my school ends. Kasparek would be proud of me.
It was a weird night. My head was absolutely whirling and so I didn't even feel sleepy until 1:30 or so, and when I got in bed (and by bed I mean sleeping bag) I couldn't sleep until about 2:30. I woke up at about 3 when Jenn came in, and then couldn't fall asleep after that, so when she came in again after an adventurous trip to a gas station, I decided I would stay up with them. They were going to pull an all-nighter. So I jumped on board. We watched a movie and then I went out to see the sunrise (which was beautiful and peaceful) and then I dragged (willingly) Crim and Jenn outside to see the sun. We played in a water fountain (and by we I mean Jenn and I dabbled our feet and flicked water at each other) and ate breakfast, and I'm still up. I think we're going on a Wal-mart expedition now. Heehee. I'll let you know how the rest of the day goes. Honestly I'm just aiming to stay awake until it gets dark. I feel like once it gets dark it'll be OK to sleep because I'll be on a semi-natural sleep cycle. Y'know, up with the dawn, down with the sun. Or something like that.
Not to mention that both Jenn and I are feeling decidedly slap-happy. Poor Austin's pulled 5 all-nighters this week and had an 8 am exam this morning. Poor Crim pulled an all-nighter the night before last as well. I think both Jenn and I are coping better than the guys, if only because this is the first all-nighter either of us has pulled all year. It figures that this one is after my school ends. Kasparek would be proud of me.
I feel like...
...I should probably do my posting duty right now.
Honestly, I'm getting next to no writing done this week, which is nice in a way, but I also kinda wanted to get some done so I could still think of myself as a creative person with something to say. Looks like reality is kinda poking its head timidly into my life. Can't say it's a welcome guest, but at least I haven't started to think about needing talent yet - that way lies despair.
Several very interesting situations here. I may brief you later - but then again I get a distinct feeling it isn't really any of my business. Sometimes I curse having a sense of my own place and where my nose belongs and where it definitely does not belong.
I also got a fit of minor people-claustrophobia today. It's a little hard for me not to meet people entirely on my own terms. I'd gotten so used to it at Messiah, what with having to make friends all by myself and all. It was cured pretty quickly with a walk though, and I'll do my best to put on my people-face later this evening and be social. I'm really amazed that any of Jenn's friends approve of me - I've been rather quiet. Not that I'm complaining mind you. I just feel sort of like they're doing it for her sake, and not because I'm me. If all the J-term stuff works out next year I'll have to do something to rectify that. = )
Oh - I saw the Reduced Shakespeare today! I laughed thoroughly and absolutely loved it. It was extremely hilarious, if a bit 'bawdy' on occaision. True to the spirit of Shakespeare in that respect anyway! And (as Lucy would be glad to know), I feel slightly more well-disposed toward Hamlet after seeing his reduced version, even if I do still think the real Hamlet is a jerkface.
Toodles.
Honestly, I'm getting next to no writing done this week, which is nice in a way, but I also kinda wanted to get some done so I could still think of myself as a creative person with something to say. Looks like reality is kinda poking its head timidly into my life. Can't say it's a welcome guest, but at least I haven't started to think about needing talent yet - that way lies despair.
Several very interesting situations here. I may brief you later - but then again I get a distinct feeling it isn't really any of my business. Sometimes I curse having a sense of my own place and where my nose belongs and where it definitely does not belong.
I also got a fit of minor people-claustrophobia today. It's a little hard for me not to meet people entirely on my own terms. I'd gotten so used to it at Messiah, what with having to make friends all by myself and all. It was cured pretty quickly with a walk though, and I'll do my best to put on my people-face later this evening and be social. I'm really amazed that any of Jenn's friends approve of me - I've been rather quiet. Not that I'm complaining mind you. I just feel sort of like they're doing it for her sake, and not because I'm me. If all the J-term stuff works out next year I'll have to do something to rectify that. = )
Oh - I saw the Reduced Shakespeare today! I laughed thoroughly and absolutely loved it. It was extremely hilarious, if a bit 'bawdy' on occaision. True to the spirit of Shakespeare in that respect anyway! And (as Lucy would be glad to know), I feel slightly more well-disposed toward Hamlet after seeing his reduced version, even if I do still think the real Hamlet is a jerkface.
Toodles.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Quasi-Nonsense
I just feel like posting quasi-poetic nonsense today. I don't really have any on hand though. Or perhaps I do. Let me check the handy-dandy quasi-poetic nonsense generator. I know I brought it with me somewhere....
It is strange how
oftentimes the air speaks.
We are sane as long
as we hear voices
when there are none.
We are insane when
we hear nothing and
worse we are deaf.
Or:
[...] What if war
is just a male version of dressing up,
a game devised to avoid profound spiritual questions?
[...]How to divide
the world's beauty into acceptable
and unacceptable loves!
---------------------------------------
[...]Don't
argue this point
on the theory that it isn't possible
to love what one refuses
to know:to refuse
speece is not
to suppress perception.
It is strange how
oftentimes the air speaks.
We are sane as long
as we hear voices
when there are none.
We are insane when
we hear nothing and
worse we are deaf.
Or:
[...] What if war
is just a male version of dressing up,
a game devised to avoid profound spiritual questions?
[...]How to divide
the world's beauty into acceptable
and unacceptable loves!
---------------------------------------
[...]Don't
argue this point
on the theory that it isn't possible
to love what one refuses
to know:to refuse
speece is not
to suppress perception.
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Yeah, so....
Yeah, so, a lot of things have happened, a lot of which I'll probably have to analyze later, and the other half of which was just plain fun. I'm not going to write a lot because Jenn and I are about to watch a movie - right after she stocks up on caffeine. = D Miss all of you - it's so weird being outside the Messiah bubble. And the home bubble. Taylor has a very distinctive smell, did you know that? Does Messiah have a distinctive smell or have I forgotten?
Question: Am I honest enough to be a poet? As Professor Perrin so elegantly put it the other day... Oh crap, I forgot how she put it. Something about "Is this discretion or evasion?" Or something thereabouts. I forgot the exact word she used instead of 'discretion,' but it's rather late at night, so please forgive me.
Question #2 (stolen from Jenn): What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Question: Am I honest enough to be a poet? As Professor Perrin so elegantly put it the other day... Oh crap, I forgot how she put it. Something about "Is this discretion or evasion?" Or something thereabouts. I forgot the exact word she used instead of 'discretion,' but it's rather late at night, so please forgive me.
Question #2 (stolen from Jenn): What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Friday, May 13, 2005
Heehee
I'm here at Jenn's... Let the madness roll on. It's currently very late, as I'm sure you can tell from my post if you bother to look at the time thing. In case you don't, I thought I'd inform you that it's very late indeed.
So, considering that it's very late and I'm getting up early to shadow Jenn to her classes, I won't tell you too much. Suffice it to say that I'm here and safe and the trip went fine, and I'm here! Apologies to Mom... I didn't remember to call in all the fuss of things until about half an hour ago, and by then I figured you'd be very asleep. I'll give calling a shot tomorrow.
Love to all!
So, considering that it's very late and I'm getting up early to shadow Jenn to her classes, I won't tell you too much. Suffice it to say that I'm here and safe and the trip went fine, and I'm here! Apologies to Mom... I didn't remember to call in all the fuss of things until about half an hour ago, and by then I figured you'd be very asleep. I'll give calling a shot tomorrow.
Love to all!
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Home
I'm home.
I feel like there's a lot more depth at home. Now I have a million things to say, I just don't have the words. But I'd rather it be that than having nothing at all to say but searching anyway.
I'd forgotten about the blinding heat that strikes you like a blow. And about how senile we've become to have a dog in the house. A dog. In the house. Yes, my family. At least it sleeps outside.
The trip was good. I slept for really a lot of it. And Mom and Dad and I talked for the rest of it. I guess we're sort of catching up on a year's worth of talking. Grandma's going to make us dinner tonight. Mmm... Grandma food.... Aaron's at so I still haven't seen him, but I'm sure I will soon enough. Avery's grown. We stopped at Cwork raig & Laura's for the night, and it was cool to see them again. It sounds like they're busy but doing well.
I kind of miss my college friends, but not too much. I can hear you guys squabbling in the back of my head, so it actually feels rather crowded in there. And pretty much every other sentence that comes out of my mouth starts with, "I was talking to so-and-so, and they said..." or "Did I tell you about when...?" I'm afraid it's starting to get irritating, and I feel rather self-centered, so I try not to talk more than I listen. I wonder if that's a good rule?
My parents go to meet my friends, and it was really interesting hearing reactions from my parents about them and from my friends about my parents. Heehee. = D Meeting with Professor Perrin was totally cool, and she gave me some more poets to read over the summer, and I think my parents liked her a lot, and I think she liked my parents, so that was cool. Yay! Oh, and that reminds me!
I told Prof Perrin about our literary group at one point, right? And she and the other faculty have been talking about wanting to develop creative writing opportunities here on campus and stuff, and she mentioned just kind of in passing to some of the other faculty that there was a literary group already on campus (meaning us, but she didn't say who was in it or anything) and they got all excited and want to kind of use our group as a catalyst to start some more creative writing stuff on campus here.
Don't worry, it wouldn't be institutionalizing us or anything, it would just be professors sending a kid or two our way when they find someone who's excited about that kind of thing, and the possibility of us hosting some creative writing competitions or something, and maybe being hosted at a professor's house every now and then. She also said they'd be more than willing to try and get us into the Humanities House as a writing house in the Fall 2006/Spring 2007 school year. Wouldn't that rock?!
The one thing that worried me as far as getting new members is that eventually we'd have a big group, and we didn't want a big group. So I guess we'd have to split off at some point, which, before any of you protest, I think we could handle. We could totally keep our loose, pretty much unorganized format, and when we got too big, we could set up a different group which would be just as loose and pretty much unorganized.
I didn't know how the rest of you'd react to those ideas. I know most of us felt pretty strongly at the beginning of the year that we wanted to be kind of unofficial and pretty much unorganized. But I reiterate, it woudln't be institulationalizing the group, it would just be a recognition of our group and expanded opportunities to creative writing outlets etc. And I think it would totally be worth a try to try and balance the kind of fun group we have now and the increased opportunities that would come with a sort of unofficial faculty recognition.
So, Prof Perrin said they would by no means start advertising our group or anything, and it's all contingent on our approval/agreement, and she's going to keep in touch and we can develop our ideas. From what I understand, it would basically be our group with faculty mentors, and we could choose our level of involvement with them, the format for growth (or not growth, whatever we decide), and how much time and effort this whole thing will take. I'm actually really really excited guys. I think this would totally rock. I think we should start at least thinking about it over the summer, and talking about it, and when we get back next fall we can talk about it at our first meeting, maybe (depending on the verdict) talk with Prof Perrin about it, and see where it goes from there.
But yeah, I think the whole thing sounds totally awesome.
I feel like there's a lot more depth at home. Now I have a million things to say, I just don't have the words. But I'd rather it be that than having nothing at all to say but searching anyway.
I'd forgotten about the blinding heat that strikes you like a blow. And about how senile we've become to have a dog in the house. A dog. In the house. Yes, my family. At least it sleeps outside.
The trip was good. I slept for really a lot of it. And Mom and Dad and I talked for the rest of it. I guess we're sort of catching up on a year's worth of talking. Grandma's going to make us dinner tonight. Mmm... Grandma food.... Aaron's at so I still haven't seen him, but I'm sure I will soon enough. Avery's grown. We stopped at Cwork raig & Laura's for the night, and it was cool to see them again. It sounds like they're busy but doing well.
I kind of miss my college friends, but not too much. I can hear you guys squabbling in the back of my head, so it actually feels rather crowded in there. And pretty much every other sentence that comes out of my mouth starts with, "I was talking to so-and-so, and they said..." or "Did I tell you about when...?" I'm afraid it's starting to get irritating, and I feel rather self-centered, so I try not to talk more than I listen. I wonder if that's a good rule?
My parents go to meet my friends, and it was really interesting hearing reactions from my parents about them and from my friends about my parents. Heehee. = D Meeting with Professor Perrin was totally cool, and she gave me some more poets to read over the summer, and I think my parents liked her a lot, and I think she liked my parents, so that was cool. Yay! Oh, and that reminds me!
I told Prof Perrin about our literary group at one point, right? And she and the other faculty have been talking about wanting to develop creative writing opportunities here on campus and stuff, and she mentioned just kind of in passing to some of the other faculty that there was a literary group already on campus (meaning us, but she didn't say who was in it or anything) and they got all excited and want to kind of use our group as a catalyst to start some more creative writing stuff on campus here.
Don't worry, it wouldn't be institutionalizing us or anything, it would just be professors sending a kid or two our way when they find someone who's excited about that kind of thing, and the possibility of us hosting some creative writing competitions or something, and maybe being hosted at a professor's house every now and then. She also said they'd be more than willing to try and get us into the Humanities House as a writing house in the Fall 2006/Spring 2007 school year. Wouldn't that rock?!
The one thing that worried me as far as getting new members is that eventually we'd have a big group, and we didn't want a big group. So I guess we'd have to split off at some point, which, before any of you protest, I think we could handle. We could totally keep our loose, pretty much unorganized format, and when we got too big, we could set up a different group which would be just as loose and pretty much unorganized.
I didn't know how the rest of you'd react to those ideas. I know most of us felt pretty strongly at the beginning of the year that we wanted to be kind of unofficial and pretty much unorganized. But I reiterate, it woudln't be institulationalizing the group, it would just be a recognition of our group and expanded opportunities to creative writing outlets etc. And I think it would totally be worth a try to try and balance the kind of fun group we have now and the increased opportunities that would come with a sort of unofficial faculty recognition.
So, Prof Perrin said they would by no means start advertising our group or anything, and it's all contingent on our approval/agreement, and she's going to keep in touch and we can develop our ideas. From what I understand, it would basically be our group with faculty mentors, and we could choose our level of involvement with them, the format for growth (or not growth, whatever we decide), and how much time and effort this whole thing will take. I'm actually really really excited guys. I think this would totally rock. I think we should start at least thinking about it over the summer, and talking about it, and when we get back next fall we can talk about it at our first meeting, maybe (depending on the verdict) talk with Prof Perrin about it, and see where it goes from there.
But yeah, I think the whole thing sounds totally awesome.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Ambiguity
I feel as if I should write something suitably sentimental and possibly maudlin about seeing all my friends leave and then leaving myself. Maybe one of those Bible verses about being together in spirit, or a hymn that will give bittersweet hope to all. If I was really on the ball I might even write a poem of my own to send you all away with, but quite honestly I'm not feeling maudlin and only slightly sentimental. I'll see you all next semester, and you all know that I'll miss you a lot, so there doesn't seem to be any more that needs to be said.
Plus, it's a beautiful day outside (so beautiful that Lucy and I agreed laws should be made against indoor activities on days like this), I just got a cupcake from a girl on my floor (yum!), I have plenty to do and plenty to read, Eliza Bennet and Mr. Darcy are once again keeping me company as I pack, my parents are coming tomorrow, and it's Mother's Day! How on earth could I be sentimental and maudlin? I think it's just not possible.
I am ambigous feeling about the whole moving thing, but yesterday was the worst day, when I didn't have anything to immediately look forward to (such as my parents coming tomorrow) and one of my friends left and my roommate left, leaving, I feel, a tangible gap. I can't wait to see my family, but I'll only see them for a day or so before I leave for Jenn's so that makes me sad. I can't wait to see Jenn, but I'm a little intimidated to meet all her friends. I really want to go home, but I'm going to miss my friends really a lot. I can't wait for the homework to end but I'll miss the stimulation of having to think.
I should also possibly write something sweet and wonderful about my mother, since it is mother's day, but I can't really think of anything. I just want to see her again, and I don't really want to bore the rest of you. I should also maybe say something about Grandma, but again, it seems silly to broadcast a mother's day message to the world who mostly doesn't care. I'll keep short and simple maybe: Happy Mother's Day! = D
I've been seriously thinking of writing a mockery of a Mary Sue. It's just how to write one that makes it clear I know what I'm doing? The right balance of stupidity and cleverness is going to be hard to find I think. I either need to pick an absolutely ridiculous object for my Mary Sue's fantasies, or I need to violate every rule in the book in quick conscious succession. Or both. Both might be good. So perhaps you should be prepared for a Mary Sue mockery.
Heehee. Wow, if I could only manage to make it funny....
But even if I fail, I bet this would make you laugh. Compliments of Liz-With-Three-Letters.
Plus, it's a beautiful day outside (so beautiful that Lucy and I agreed laws should be made against indoor activities on days like this), I just got a cupcake from a girl on my floor (yum!), I have plenty to do and plenty to read, Eliza Bennet and Mr. Darcy are once again keeping me company as I pack, my parents are coming tomorrow, and it's Mother's Day! How on earth could I be sentimental and maudlin? I think it's just not possible.
I am ambigous feeling about the whole moving thing, but yesterday was the worst day, when I didn't have anything to immediately look forward to (such as my parents coming tomorrow) and one of my friends left and my roommate left, leaving, I feel, a tangible gap. I can't wait to see my family, but I'll only see them for a day or so before I leave for Jenn's so that makes me sad. I can't wait to see Jenn, but I'm a little intimidated to meet all her friends. I really want to go home, but I'm going to miss my friends really a lot. I can't wait for the homework to end but I'll miss the stimulation of having to think.
I should also possibly write something sweet and wonderful about my mother, since it is mother's day, but I can't really think of anything. I just want to see her again, and I don't really want to bore the rest of you. I should also maybe say something about Grandma, but again, it seems silly to broadcast a mother's day message to the world who mostly doesn't care. I'll keep short and simple maybe: Happy Mother's Day! = D
I've been seriously thinking of writing a mockery of a Mary Sue. It's just how to write one that makes it clear I know what I'm doing? The right balance of stupidity and cleverness is going to be hard to find I think. I either need to pick an absolutely ridiculous object for my Mary Sue's fantasies, or I need to violate every rule in the book in quick conscious succession. Or both. Both might be good. So perhaps you should be prepared for a Mary Sue mockery.
Heehee. Wow, if I could only manage to make it funny....
But even if I fail, I bet this would make you laugh. Compliments of Liz-With-Three-Letters.
Friday, May 06, 2005
All Your Base
Yes! My hardest finals are over! I feel like running amok, setting something on fire, screaming "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!" at the top of my lungs while frolicking in Lottie... or maybe just sleeping for 16 straight hours.
Or I could just post this link (which you'll totally love, especially if you're a computer games geek).
Or I could just post this link (which you'll totally love, especially if you're a computer games geek).
And Dive In....
Since I'm feeling slightly chipper, I thought I'd write now, rather than tomorrow when I'll probably want to shoot myself because I did horribly on my exams. I actually feel almost ready. I needed more time, obviously, but I'm almost there. I have a fighting chance, if I can just remember everything. My two hardest finals are tomorrow. Bible and History (collective groan).
So... Here goes!
Breathe in, breathe out, and dive in.
So... Here goes!
Breathe in, breathe out, and dive in.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Apologies
My apologies to everyone. I've been acting like a self-centered panicked jerk for the past couple days. My FSM crit was today, and it was fine, and actually really funny, and we totally bonded which is weird because it was the last day of class. But at any rate, I totally flipped our for nothing, and while I'm sure I won't get the grade I want, I didn't die, and I wasn't humiliated, and I was dumb to think I would be.
Last night I went to the student film festival, and it was totally awesome. I was like, hey, I know some of those people! I didn't know they were brilliant! And then I felt a little dumb for not realizing, but at least I did in the end right? So film majors that I know (if you read this) know that I loved your movies! I wish the film department would put all the student films on like a DVD or something and sell it to the student body, because I would love to show it to people and say, "Look! See the kids I go to school with? Don't they make cool movies?"
I just may break down and become a groupie.... Fear my pom-poms! = D
Last night I went to the student film festival, and it was totally awesome. I was like, hey, I know some of those people! I didn't know they were brilliant! And then I felt a little dumb for not realizing, but at least I did in the end right? So film majors that I know (if you read this) know that I loved your movies! I wish the film department would put all the student films on like a DVD or something and sell it to the student body, because I would love to show it to people and say, "Look! See the kids I go to school with? Don't they make cool movies?"
I just may break down and become a groupie.... Fear my pom-poms! = D
Breathe out....
No: my heart shall become a tower,
And I myself will be placed at its edge:
where nothing else exists, once again pain
and the unsayable, once again world.
Still one thing alone in immensity,
growing dark and then light again,
still one last face full of longing
thrust out into the unappeasable,
still one uttermost face made of stone
heeding only its own inner gravity,
while the distances that silently destroy it
force it on to an ever deeper bliss.
-----------------------------------------------------
Thank you Rilke. I'm not sure why I felt like posting that, but I did, so there you have it. Happy Finals Week, everyone!
And I myself will be placed at its edge:
where nothing else exists, once again pain
and the unsayable, once again world.
Still one thing alone in immensity,
growing dark and then light again,
still one last face full of longing
thrust out into the unappeasable,
still one uttermost face made of stone
heeding only its own inner gravity,
while the distances that silently destroy it
force it on to an ever deeper bliss.
-----------------------------------------------------
Thank you Rilke. I'm not sure why I felt like posting that, but I did, so there you have it. Happy Finals Week, everyone!
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Breathe in....
Can I just say that I'm so incredibly jealous of brilliant people?
But I'm so glad that they're around to make life fun.
Tomorrow: FSM critique and Art History final. Pray for my immortal soul.... Because obviously it's going to be immortally wounded if things don't go well. = )
I'm really stressed right now about my GPA. I know, I know, what does it matter if I'm an honors student or not? What does my GPA matter? As long as I'm getting an education and pursuing my passion? Honestly, I'm not sure, but I'm stressed about it right now. I might, just might, end up with a 3.6, but it's gonna take pretty close to a miracle... or a lot of studying. So right now, I'm going to take a long hot shower, make sure I know when and where my finals are tomorrow, and spend another hour or so studying for my Friday finals - World Civ and Bible, the two that scare me the most.
Can you believe it? We're almost done. We're almost there.
----------------------------------------------------------
Cloud pillars clinging like vines to the sky
Don't cry
We'll walk down the meadow with sunrise inside
So dry your eyes
The winds of all kingdoms meet where we stand
The gray forest people cast off their old clothes
Good-bye
Everything's sleeping as winter draws near
So close your eyes
The mists of all twilights dance close at hand
The rust-coloured river is now slowing down
Going dry
Harvest has lifted the crown from the ground
But don't you cry
The song of the seasons brings life to the land
-----------------------------------------------------------
I feel like an amputee who just ran a 10K race on crutches (only it's my brain that hurts).
But I'm so glad that they're around to make life fun.
Tomorrow: FSM critique and Art History final. Pray for my immortal soul.... Because obviously it's going to be immortally wounded if things don't go well. = )
I'm really stressed right now about my GPA. I know, I know, what does it matter if I'm an honors student or not? What does my GPA matter? As long as I'm getting an education and pursuing my passion? Honestly, I'm not sure, but I'm stressed about it right now. I might, just might, end up with a 3.6, but it's gonna take pretty close to a miracle... or a lot of studying. So right now, I'm going to take a long hot shower, make sure I know when and where my finals are tomorrow, and spend another hour or so studying for my Friday finals - World Civ and Bible, the two that scare me the most.
Can you believe it? We're almost done. We're almost there.
----------------------------------------------------------
Cloud pillars clinging like vines to the sky
Don't cry
We'll walk down the meadow with sunrise inside
So dry your eyes
The winds of all kingdoms meet where we stand
The gray forest people cast off their old clothes
Good-bye
Everything's sleeping as winter draws near
So close your eyes
The mists of all twilights dance close at hand
The rust-coloured river is now slowing down
Going dry
Harvest has lifted the crown from the ground
But don't you cry
The song of the seasons brings life to the land
-----------------------------------------------------------
I feel like an amputee who just ran a 10K race on crutches (only it's my brain that hurts).
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Retroactive Thinking
So.... I've been doing some serious thinking lately, and I'm not sure.... am I ready to talk about it yet? It seems like an epidemic, and so the nonconformist part of my personality wants to say, "No, too many people are thinking. You should stop." But then, at the other hand, there's a part of me that says, "Yes, join the fray. Add your two cents in. Be part of the group."
I guess that's what a lot of my thinking has to do with. The Group. People In General. It sort of goes back to Bible class. I don't remember which day it was, but we were talking about man's mutiny against God. We were talking about the fact that God's original plan for humans was to be in perfect union with him and with one another. And Dr. Miller said something that really stuck in my head.... he talked about that empty feeling, that feeling of aloneness and alienation we have, and that it was never intended to be part of our make-up at all, that it was a result of mutiny. And it made me think a lot.... because it seems like a lot of people think you need only get married and the alone feeling stops. You need only get a boyfriend and the alone feeling stops. The emptiness and alienation will stop, if you have enough friends, if you cry with enough people.... To smell the coffee.... to wake up and realize, no, that's never going to go away.... and it explains why friendships are so hard. I mean real friendships. They may begin easily, but in the end.... They're all heartache and tears, because there'll never be an end to the alienation you feel. In the end, will it just be too much trouble?
I find myself.... wishing for a lot of shallow, frivolous relationships. So that no one can come close to piercing the veil that hides my emptiness. If I kept them all at bay, maybe I could delude myself into thinking that there's no hole.... and I'm fine....
"and the world's doin' just fine
without me....
doing anything of any consequence
with my life...."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I found this today. I'd written it as a draft in January, and just never got around to posting it. It's funny how much of a difference four months can make. I am still of the opinion that because we live in a really messed up, corrupted world, our relationships very often have that sort of hole in them, that sort of feeling of alienation. No matter how close you are to someone, there are those moments when you know you're two people, not one, and there's a gap you don't know how to bridge - a fundamental alienation from other human beings caused by our fundamental alienation from God. But I also think, now, that the struggle of working out a real frienship is definitely worth it. That I want to be known, and not just surface-seen.
I'm also of the opinion now that the alienation doesn't have to stay. I'm thinking, although I'm not sure upon what to base this rationale except on the faithfulness of God, that there are those relationships, those friendships, when you're all united with God and before God and the little invisible wall breaks down. When the human-love part of the hole is filled and the God-love part of the hole is filled simultaneously. Now obviously we're all screwed up, corrupted humans. So it won't happen all the time and it doesn't happen easily. But, right now at least, it seems worth it to me - to risk being not-known in order to be known in those few close friendships, wherever you end up finding them. The risk of discovering you're empty is worth it if there's a chance it can be filled.
Yeah, pretty much this is idle jabbering because I don't want to do my homework - but I thought, hey, my blog readers seem to evince a remarkable tolerance for my self-centered, narcissistic ramblings, so why not write them some more of my thoughts? I don't actually expect most of you to care, although I hope some of you at least understand what exactly I'm trying to say here. I know, they're baby thoughts - I'm baby-thinking my way to a better understanding of life, like Bob*, who baby-steps his way into sanity and a much less OCD life (as well as a very lucrative book deal). Unlike Bob's therapist, I'm asking you to simply listen and maybe comment if you think I'm right on or totally off base, and not to tie me up and strap explosives to me. Because as we all know, it will backfire on you and your house will be destroyed.
*reference to the Bill Murray movie "What About Bob?" in which a psycho drives about ten therapists out of business, eventually becoming a normal functioning member of society when his latest therapist tries to kill him - with lots of OCD episodes in between. I totally recommend, if you want some funny mindless entertainment.
I guess that's what a lot of my thinking has to do with. The Group. People In General. It sort of goes back to Bible class. I don't remember which day it was, but we were talking about man's mutiny against God. We were talking about the fact that God's original plan for humans was to be in perfect union with him and with one another. And Dr. Miller said something that really stuck in my head.... he talked about that empty feeling, that feeling of aloneness and alienation we have, and that it was never intended to be part of our make-up at all, that it was a result of mutiny. And it made me think a lot.... because it seems like a lot of people think you need only get married and the alone feeling stops. You need only get a boyfriend and the alone feeling stops. The emptiness and alienation will stop, if you have enough friends, if you cry with enough people.... To smell the coffee.... to wake up and realize, no, that's never going to go away.... and it explains why friendships are so hard. I mean real friendships. They may begin easily, but in the end.... They're all heartache and tears, because there'll never be an end to the alienation you feel. In the end, will it just be too much trouble?
I find myself.... wishing for a lot of shallow, frivolous relationships. So that no one can come close to piercing the veil that hides my emptiness. If I kept them all at bay, maybe I could delude myself into thinking that there's no hole.... and I'm fine....
"and the world's doin' just fine
without me....
doing anything of any consequence
with my life...."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I found this today. I'd written it as a draft in January, and just never got around to posting it. It's funny how much of a difference four months can make. I am still of the opinion that because we live in a really messed up, corrupted world, our relationships very often have that sort of hole in them, that sort of feeling of alienation. No matter how close you are to someone, there are those moments when you know you're two people, not one, and there's a gap you don't know how to bridge - a fundamental alienation from other human beings caused by our fundamental alienation from God. But I also think, now, that the struggle of working out a real frienship is definitely worth it. That I want to be known, and not just surface-seen.
I'm also of the opinion now that the alienation doesn't have to stay. I'm thinking, although I'm not sure upon what to base this rationale except on the faithfulness of God, that there are those relationships, those friendships, when you're all united with God and before God and the little invisible wall breaks down. When the human-love part of the hole is filled and the God-love part of the hole is filled simultaneously. Now obviously we're all screwed up, corrupted humans. So it won't happen all the time and it doesn't happen easily. But, right now at least, it seems worth it to me - to risk being not-known in order to be known in those few close friendships, wherever you end up finding them. The risk of discovering you're empty is worth it if there's a chance it can be filled.
Yeah, pretty much this is idle jabbering because I don't want to do my homework - but I thought, hey, my blog readers seem to evince a remarkable tolerance for my self-centered, narcissistic ramblings, so why not write them some more of my thoughts? I don't actually expect most of you to care, although I hope some of you at least understand what exactly I'm trying to say here. I know, they're baby thoughts - I'm baby-thinking my way to a better understanding of life, like Bob*, who baby-steps his way into sanity and a much less OCD life (as well as a very lucrative book deal). Unlike Bob's therapist, I'm asking you to simply listen and maybe comment if you think I'm right on or totally off base, and not to tie me up and strap explosives to me. Because as we all know, it will backfire on you and your house will be destroyed.
*reference to the Bill Murray movie "What About Bob?" in which a psycho drives about ten therapists out of business, eventually becoming a normal functioning member of society when his latest therapist tries to kill him - with lots of OCD episodes in between. I totally recommend, if you want some funny mindless entertainment.
Wash Your Hands
Well, that's it. My last day of official classes is over with. I wash my hands of it. Well, almost. Finals are so close....
I've been thinking a lot about the amazing grace involved in being unimportant. I'm not sure how to express what I mean, so maybe I should stop there. I could try a little poetry, I could try a little song. I could try a little writing, but honestly... if you don't already know what I'm talking about I don't think I'd be able to communicate it. It's just this incredibly close emotional thing I've been carrying around, and I'm not sure what it is or what it means, or why. It's just sort of there, making my life a little more interesting.
I've been fighting with tears a lot lately too. I catch a snatch of song, and I start tearing up. I hear someone who's impassioned speaking, and I have to try my hardest not to cry. I see something beautiful and - well, you get the idea. I'm not sure if it's because I'm stressed and tired, or because it's the end of the semester and everything is changing. You know that feeling - or I hope some of you do. Familiar things become tearjerkers when you know they won't happen any more for a very long time, possible ever. So I'm crying, but at the same time, it's more because I've been pierced with joy, and I don't know how to say how happy I am and how much I've loved this past year, except in some wordless, primitive way.
I got my Life Fatness grades back today, and I passed with a good bit to spare. I wish I could transfer that superfluous credit into some other class where I really need it. But I still think I have a fighting chance, so ... here goes! I wash my hands of indifference, the need for sleep, and procrastination (I can do that later), and dive into finals!
Oh, and other exciting news: today's my parents' 25th anniversary. They left this morning for a week long vacation, after which they'll come to pick me up and we'll all head home. I feel like I should say something really profound, or at least very congratulatory, but again the whole "I-don't-have-words" factor comes into play. I can't imagine my life without them (for good reason - I wouldn't exist without them), and I can't imagine not having them together and married, and our household functioning pretty much as it always has. So... Thanks Mom & Dad? You dosed me with all the stability I'll ever need to succeed. = D Enjoy your trip!
I've been thinking a lot about the amazing grace involved in being unimportant. I'm not sure how to express what I mean, so maybe I should stop there. I could try a little poetry, I could try a little song. I could try a little writing, but honestly... if you don't already know what I'm talking about I don't think I'd be able to communicate it. It's just this incredibly close emotional thing I've been carrying around, and I'm not sure what it is or what it means, or why. It's just sort of there, making my life a little more interesting.
I've been fighting with tears a lot lately too. I catch a snatch of song, and I start tearing up. I hear someone who's impassioned speaking, and I have to try my hardest not to cry. I see something beautiful and - well, you get the idea. I'm not sure if it's because I'm stressed and tired, or because it's the end of the semester and everything is changing. You know that feeling - or I hope some of you do. Familiar things become tearjerkers when you know they won't happen any more for a very long time, possible ever. So I'm crying, but at the same time, it's more because I've been pierced with joy, and I don't know how to say how happy I am and how much I've loved this past year, except in some wordless, primitive way.
I got my Life Fatness grades back today, and I passed with a good bit to spare. I wish I could transfer that superfluous credit into some other class where I really need it. But I still think I have a fighting chance, so ... here goes! I wash my hands of indifference, the need for sleep, and procrastination (I can do that later), and dive into finals!
Oh, and other exciting news: today's my parents' 25th anniversary. They left this morning for a week long vacation, after which they'll come to pick me up and we'll all head home. I feel like I should say something really profound, or at least very congratulatory, but again the whole "I-don't-have-words" factor comes into play. I can't imagine my life without them (for good reason - I wouldn't exist without them), and I can't imagine not having them together and married, and our household functioning pretty much as it always has. So... Thanks Mom & Dad? You dosed me with all the stability I'll ever need to succeed. = D Enjoy your trip!
...Christmas?
I got back from work tonight, and wondered vaguely why there was aluminum foil on our door handle. I walked in, all unsuspecting, and wham! My roommate's half of the room was COMPLETELY covered in aluminum foil and saran wrap. They completely wrapped her bed, her chair, and her computer. They wrapped every individual pop can under her bed. They wrapped her towels. They wrapped her shower stuff (and some of mine by mistake). THEY WRAPPED THE BELT BUCKLE OF HER FAVORITE BELT. They were thorough, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I think you will too - take a look at the new pictures on my photostream, and you'll see what I mean. Some of them inadvertently got deleted, but no worries, there are still some really funny ones. Enjoy!
Monday, May 02, 2005
Mmm...
...I love the smell of rejection in the morning.
I suppose, for all of you curious people out there, I should unpack that statement a little bit. I got rejection e-mails this morning, immediately after I'd woken up and right before my lamp critique, that all of the poems I submitted to the Minnemingo Review were rejected. Yep, rejected. I can't quite decide if I'm bitter, apathetic, or merely insecure. I'm going to the 'unveiling' of it though, to see what it's like. If someone will go with me.
I should now totally get back to my paper which is due tomorrow, and I started it (a new record!) at 9:30 tonight. That's two hours later than last time. I don't think I'm going to tempt fate and make it any later. It should only take me.... Oh... till bed time to finish it? After which I may just go work on my sculpture and get less sleep. I can always catch up on reading day right? Because that's totally what it's for.
And, in case you're wondering, my blisters don't hurt anymore, and my hand and arm practically don't at all.
I suppose, for all of you curious people out there, I should unpack that statement a little bit. I got rejection e-mails this morning, immediately after I'd woken up and right before my lamp critique, that all of the poems I submitted to the Minnemingo Review were rejected. Yep, rejected. I can't quite decide if I'm bitter, apathetic, or merely insecure. I'm going to the 'unveiling' of it though, to see what it's like. If someone will go with me.
I should now totally get back to my paper which is due tomorrow, and I started it (a new record!) at 9:30 tonight. That's two hours later than last time. I don't think I'm going to tempt fate and make it any later. It should only take me.... Oh... till bed time to finish it? After which I may just go work on my sculpture and get less sleep. I can always catch up on reading day right? Because that's totally what it's for.
And, in case you're wondering, my blisters don't hurt anymore, and my hand and arm practically don't at all.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
P.S.
You know that feeling you get when you're on a boat for a really long time, and then when you go to sleep, you feel the boat rocking under you?
I tried to go to sleep tonight, after my celebratory peach yogurt, and I can still feel the shocks of the hammering in my hands, not to mention the sound in my head. They're even in coordination with each other. How weird is that? My hand is going to be subconsciously hammering all night long.
I tried to go to sleep tonight, after my celebratory peach yogurt, and I can still feel the shocks of the hammering in my hands, not to mention the sound in my head. They're even in coordination with each other. How weird is that? My hand is going to be subconsciously hammering all night long.
There Comes A Time...
...when you start thinking you might have a fighting chance after all.
That moment is truly beautiful. This morning I woke up and my arm ached. It hurt. I couldn't close my hand into a fist, and I could find no comfortable position for it. I was almost panicking, wondering how on earth I was going to finish if I couldn't swing a hammer to whack a chisel with.
Then, somehow, someway, it stopped. I'm not sure if my muscles just warmed up, or if I witnessed an honest-to-goodness-God-put-his-hand-on-mine moment, but it stopped hurting, and I could work. And, despite only having 6 hours of sleep and not very strong hands, I'm nearly done I think. I feel kind of like a patchwork doll - count 'em, 6 bandaids, mostly on my right hand, but the proctor commented that he liked the gesture of it (I like him by the way - he's an extremely helpful and nice guy), so that was kind of a nice affirmation. I'm not sure what else I can do with it to get it really finished, but I think I mostly just need some time away from it so I can really see it again. I have, after all, been whacking at it for 18 hours, 12 of which were today. That's enough to cause brain-freeze in the most hardy of individuals.
Granted, I can barely lift my right arm, and my hand and fingers kind of hurt, I have a couple more blisters than yesterday, and I just spent 18 hours in the studio, but I have a fighting chance. And, come to find out, that's mostly what I wanted - a fighting chance to get it all done and do it well.
That moment is truly beautiful. This morning I woke up and my arm ached. It hurt. I couldn't close my hand into a fist, and I could find no comfortable position for it. I was almost panicking, wondering how on earth I was going to finish if I couldn't swing a hammer to whack a chisel with.
Then, somehow, someway, it stopped. I'm not sure if my muscles just warmed up, or if I witnessed an honest-to-goodness-God-put-his-hand-on-mine moment, but it stopped hurting, and I could work. And, despite only having 6 hours of sleep and not very strong hands, I'm nearly done I think. I feel kind of like a patchwork doll - count 'em, 6 bandaids, mostly on my right hand, but the proctor commented that he liked the gesture of it (I like him by the way - he's an extremely helpful and nice guy), so that was kind of a nice affirmation. I'm not sure what else I can do with it to get it really finished, but I think I mostly just need some time away from it so I can really see it again. I have, after all, been whacking at it for 18 hours, 12 of which were today. That's enough to cause brain-freeze in the most hardy of individuals.
Granted, I can barely lift my right arm, and my hand and fingers kind of hurt, I have a couple more blisters than yesterday, and I just spent 18 hours in the studio, but I have a fighting chance. And, come to find out, that's mostly what I wanted - a fighting chance to get it all done and do it well.
Ow.
There comes a time, at about midnight, when you're in the sculpture studio whacking away at a huge lump of plaster, and you wonder what the hell you're doing. There comes a time, at about 12:30, when your arm feels like it's about to fall off and the only other person in the studio (who happens to have control of the CD player) begins playing Alanis Morisette, and you wonder if you might be developing masochistic tendencies. At about 1, I was still busy distracting myself from the pain in my hands by telling myself I was willing to do "whatever it takes" to "get it done." By 1:30, I was wondering why I want this so bad, and what precisely "this" is, not to mention what precisely "getting it done" entailed.
I used to wonder what people in books were thinking, when they plowed so long their hands blistered and the blisters broke and bled. I mean, yeah, feeding your family is important and all, but why didn't they stop to at least put bandaids on? Did they get some sort of grim satisfaction from bleeding hands or something? Or was their joy at a nicely plowed field simply transcendent of all that? I think I might be starting to understand - at least how they got the blisters. If you see me any time soon, the most likely words you'll hear are: "Ow ow ow," "Pain," or "Auuughhhh." Yes, I know, even less articulate than I usually am.
I gave up at about 2:30, after the other girl left and I got lonely and sorta scared being in a huge studio with lots of threatening power tools at, well, 2 in the morning. I spent half an hour cleaning up (I'd no idea plaster could fly so far), and headed back to my dorm. I considered trying to stay up all night and finish roughing out the piece, going out to look at the sunrise, then going home to clean up and go to church, but the reality of the wee hours of the morning isn't nearly as romantic and ideal as it sounded in my head. It mostly involves a lot of misery and glazed staring.
I was cold, had a headache, three blisters, couldn't close my hand into a fist (even to hold a toothbrush or hairbrush), and white from head to toe. My hands kill. My arms ache. Guess what? I'm gonna go back tomorrow and do it all again. Yes, I am. Because notwithstanding the vagueness of the terms, I do want "this" really badly, and I will do "whatever it takes" to "get it done." Whether that means working as a janitor, taking 18 credits every semester, or only sleeping 5 hours a night, I will do it and I will get it done, and no amount of blisters is going to stop me.
Full stop. End rant. Good night.
I used to wonder what people in books were thinking, when they plowed so long their hands blistered and the blisters broke and bled. I mean, yeah, feeding your family is important and all, but why didn't they stop to at least put bandaids on? Did they get some sort of grim satisfaction from bleeding hands or something? Or was their joy at a nicely plowed field simply transcendent of all that? I think I might be starting to understand - at least how they got the blisters. If you see me any time soon, the most likely words you'll hear are: "Ow ow ow," "Pain," or "Auuughhhh." Yes, I know, even less articulate than I usually am.
I gave up at about 2:30, after the other girl left and I got lonely and sorta scared being in a huge studio with lots of threatening power tools at, well, 2 in the morning. I spent half an hour cleaning up (I'd no idea plaster could fly so far), and headed back to my dorm. I considered trying to stay up all night and finish roughing out the piece, going out to look at the sunrise, then going home to clean up and go to church, but the reality of the wee hours of the morning isn't nearly as romantic and ideal as it sounded in my head. It mostly involves a lot of misery and glazed staring.
I was cold, had a headache, three blisters, couldn't close my hand into a fist (even to hold a toothbrush or hairbrush), and white from head to toe. My hands kill. My arms ache. Guess what? I'm gonna go back tomorrow and do it all again. Yes, I am. Because notwithstanding the vagueness of the terms, I do want "this" really badly, and I will do "whatever it takes" to "get it done." Whether that means working as a janitor, taking 18 credits every semester, or only sleeping 5 hours a night, I will do it and I will get it done, and no amount of blisters is going to stop me.
Full stop. End rant. Good night.
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