Retreat

I'm definitely still processing the last couple days, and that may result in a decreased number of posts for a while. So... for those of you who actually care, that's what's up.

I've found myself hiding behind my contacts more and more.

And thinking more and more of home, and Easter break.

I won't go home for that, so I'll be here on campus. Almost everyone else will be gone. I find that thought amazingly exciting. I need a retreat. I need a small, clean room somewhere, with lots of windows and hardwood floors, where I could just sit in the sun and do nothing in particular, or work really hard, for a couple of days until I get my mind sorted out.

I want either perfect solitude or to be with someone who won't let me be alone.

Since I'm not likely to get the first, and the second option isn't viable all the time, I compromise. I'm alone as much as I can be, and when I can't be, I'm with my friends. But I'm looking forward to Easter. I'm looking forward to Easter Sunday.

I remember how excited I used to get about getting a new dress. It's been years since I got a new dress for Easter. It's been years since I've worn a dress regularly.

I think, this year, I want to start a new Easter tradition. I'd like, ideally, to go with one or two friends, possibly friends who like to sing, to Hostetter chapel. I'd like us to sit in a pew somewhere near the middle, and sing a few hymns, for as long as we feel like. I'd like to use my old Mennonite hymnal. And then.... Well, in my dreams the friends just sort of melt away.... and I'm sitting there, alone in a pew somewhere near the middle, with the sunshine streaming in the windows, and a fresh breeze coming in through the open doors. I'd be holding a daffodil, sometimes looking at it, and sometimes sitting with my eyes closed, just feeling the sun and the quiet. There would be silence. A really perfect silence.

I've always wanted to sing hymns in an empty church.

Maybe this year.