Do you know what I wish? I wish that healthy sexuality within marriage was a more widely discussed topic in the church. I wish that we, as young people, were provided with more models of what that looks like, because I think that determining dating boundaries would be much easier if we knew what the ideal end-goal looked like. You know? Is that an unreasonable idea?
It's difficult, I realize, because that's a highly private thing and possibly even highly-individualized (that is, each couple may have a different way of defining healthy sexuality). However, if such a thing is highly individualized, then it becomes more important that we have multiple examples of healthy sexuality. I mean, how are we supposed to achieve it, the way I assume we're supposed to, if we don't know what it looks like? Did your churches navigate this more successfully than my churches did?
Also, I disapprove of the idea that sex should be discussed as little as possible inter-generationally. That is, there is this perception within at least my age group that one does not discuss sex or sexuality or anything else beyond one's own peer group, and that one should never honestly discuss sex within a religious setting or with religious people. Well, if someone is seeking wisdom, that really doesn't help them much, and as a result I feel there is a lot of misinformation and strange attitudes towards sex being diseminated.
I understand the reluctance to talk about sexuality in a religious context, however misguided I think it is. I mean, heck, I am even nervous stating that I want people to be more open about that kind of thing sometimes, because I know that family members and rather religious individuals peruse my blog. And I'm not even TALKING about sex, I'm just talking about how we might talk about sex and sexuality more openly.
Let me give a concrete example of what I'm talking about: I was homeschooled. That means I got sex ed from my mother, and as awkward as that was at the time, I feel like it later set an attitude in my head that that is an open topic between us if I ever feel like I need wisdom (I haven't tested it, so this might in actuality be an erroneous perception). Why haven't I tested this hypothesis, though? Because talking to my mother about healthy sexuality in a marriage would be such a weird, counter-cultural thing. Sex is not discussed inter-generationally, and if I were ever to be like, "My MOM says," then I feel like I would immediately be ostracized.
OK, my peer group, it's time for you to speak up a little about what I'm sure is currently being perceived as an extremely awkward blog post. Do you feel the same strictures in talking about sex and sexuality that I do? Do you think that these are ridiculous rules? Do you think that they are ridiculous rules only sometimes?
Do you think there ought to be more inter-generational dialogue about this kind of thing? Anybody?
Does anyone think that I should never discuss healthy sexuality so openly on my blog ever again?
P.S. New Jesus College Post. Twice as much Mackenzie, every Friday!
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3 comments:
You totally should talk about it! And I think more people should. As another "sex-ed from Mom" grad, I feel like I got The Talk when it was just awkward/gross... and still, probably for culturally conditioned reasons, feel a bit awkward talking to her about it. And you've pointed out the obvious pitfalls that can come with LACK of talking about it.
Of course, I've also worked at a Christian bookstore, and been somewhat freaked out by books with titles like "Christ-Centered Sex." (No joke, this book exists. It has a lime green cover. I sold it to a balding man.)
But I would love to see more open discussion of healthy sexuality in/by the church. Blame the Church Fathers, if you want, or the Victorians, or the prudish Puritans. But I think we need to move beyond platitudes.
Mackenzie,
You are right, I would be glad to talk to you about sexuality. I am willing to talk about a lot of things. My right ear was packed up with wax. After a week of working with it, I finally got a lot of wax out. I wanted to talk about that with Dad & Avery, but they weren't willing to talk about it. Is earwax and sexuality both taboo? Especially in religious settings?
Mom
I agree. And sex is such a tricky issue even once you're having it. Seriously. It's something where two people need to say "ok, here are the expectations and norms. Now is that what makes us happy or is something else better?"
Some of that, of course, has to just happen between the couple and after they've started.
But I think that people absorb too much of a message that their sex life should be X, Y, and Z. If X & Y make them happy, but not Z...then they're too likely to feel guilty and abnormal. (I've had some interesting conversations on this with newly married people. We're all shocked about how little we were taught concerning this!)
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