"the time for sleep is now. it's nothing to cry about."

Hello loves. My blogging fell by the wayside over break. I do not regret it.

I do regret my lack of motivation.

I do not desire to do work, I desire sleep and fun. I do not feel that my work will ever make a difference. I do not believe that my work can touch another mind or provoke another's emotions the way these examples do, the examples held up by my teachers. I do not even think I can be as real as the people I saw in the diner this morning.

Before, I was tired, but I hardly ever doubted the worth of doing my work and doing it well. I still do not doubt the worth of doing work well -- but I most emphatically doubt the reason for doing work at all.

Maybe this is a symptom of just coming off of a break. Maybe this is a symptom of something else. Maybe Camus is right and the whole thing doesn't matter a bit.

Do you have any cures for burnout? I am so tired. I am so tired of thinking and of pushing myself and of following rules I don't agree with and of displaying the right attitudes towards learning and even of making things.

I ask myself, OK, so this situation is unlivable. What will you do to change it? What needs to happen so that it's livable? I can't answer.

This is probably really angsty. But I'm not. . . upset, so to speak. Although I guess I am just plain overwhelmed by remembering how I have not lived up to my expectations of myself, and of all the obstacles ahead in this week and semester and year. But I suppose those things are not important. What's important is now, this moment, the work that needs to be done by tomorrow, only these.

I hope.

And now I will show you the most excellent way: