hey remember that time when i posted about something other than angst and worry and maybe even wrote something thoughtful? this is not that time.

Last night I sat down to write a paper. . . and I realized that maybe my writing skills have not atrophied into oblivion after all. I only forgot I had them. Whew!

So maybe when I graduate, I'll be like "Oh yeah I'm totally an adult with a career and a marriage, I just forgot for a while." I mean, that happens to every graduate. . . right?! AND EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FINE IN THE END, RIGHT?!

You know the other thing I'm freaking out about lately? And by "the other thing," I mean "the only thing I'm freaking out about each and every day, pretty much every waking minute." How do two creative people put together a sufficient stream of income doing what they love? And how can I possibly be ready for post-graduation life when I am not even competent in my field?

I don't want to tear my hair out doing something I don't like for 40 hours a week when I grow up. I don't want Greg to tear his hair out doing something he doesn't like 40 hours a week when he grows up. But to be quite honest, the odds are so huge that we will both end up, at some point, doing something we don't like so that we can feed and house ourselves.

And how can we have jobs that will allow us to take 2 or 3 months off to do awesome things like artists residencies at places like the MacDowell Colony, or this place in Brazil?

I've always had a lot of goals. And a lot of dreams, I admit, even though that sounds ridiculously cheesy. And now I actually have to think about financing them.

I so want to teach college. I want to teach art in college, more specifically. What could be better than working hard at something full of variety, intellectually stimulating, that only lasts 9 months, yet still pays fairly well? And many art institutions will give art professors a teaching load reduction so they can continue to work.

And what could be worse than teaching college and feeling inadequate every day of my life because my students are way more talented and driven and knowledgeable than me?

I'm finding a couple of totally sweet grad school programs in printmaking at places like MICA and UNC at Chapel Hill. But how to get into them? How do I make work in the years in between now and my theoretical acceptance there, when I will, in all probability, be working a job I don't like for 40 hours a week?

Oh, and after I graduate, how do I get to be a professor? Because I have to say, the only openings I can find ANYWHERE are for graphic design professors, which I'm not, and which I never will be.

Sigh.

I am so unqualified for life.