because hey, everyone else graduated and left me all alone in Grantham.
Ooh, snap. Yes, I did just begin my blog post with snark. Vacation brought back all my super powers, as well as the amount of energy I can hereby devote to sarcasm, so watch out, blogosphere.
Super powers? Did I say super powers? I officially deny the existence of any sort of super powers. Not possible. How ridiculous. And my super power certainly does not consist of planet-sized chunks of discontent and angst.
Do you want to know something? I do not know what I want to do with my life. How weird. I've never been at such a loss for direction. What do I want to do when I graduate?
The only thing that comes to mind is REST. But graduation does not afford time for rest, graduation means massive amounts of stress as I job-hunt and get married. I used to dream about being an author or an artist or both. You know what my dream is right now?
A part-time job. Any kind of part-time job. It just needs to be part-time so that I can REST and do NOTHING for even a single hour. So that I can spend time in a sunny room somewhere reading. I'd like to watch a whole TV show on DVD, one episode after another, just because it makes me laugh. I would like to refuse to drive anywhere for a full week. I do not want to fight so hard for time for fun things so that they're no longer fun, they're another chore. I would like my own space for longer than two months, or six months, or nine months. I want to really settle in somewhere and feel like the space is worth decorating and making my own. I'm tired of adapting and I'm tired of interacting and I'm tired of things to do in the evening and I'm just TIRED.
I did a good job of being happy for a couple of days after getting back from vacation, but now my summer is half over and I feel like the only fun I had was last week. And I won't GET to have any fun, because last year was so busy that I'm STILL writing a research paper I didn't finish for my honors project and I ALREADY have homework to complete for this coming fall. And who am I supposed to have fun with? Everyone left. (I don't mean to say Greg isn't fun to hang out with -- but one's social circle cannot consist of fiance alone.)
Tonight? Tonight I refuse to do anything I don't feel like doing. That's all there is to it.
And after I graduate? Maybe I will take advantage of "the gap year" phenomenon and do something entirely unrelated to what I do now. Just so I can tell if it's what I really want to do.
Did anyone else experience attacks of lack-of-vocational-calling-itis and extreme exhaustion when presented with the idea of graduation? Anybody?