“there once was a man, he lived and he died, the end.”

If you’re like me, every week contains a moment of evaluation, particularly since my literary analysis classes: is the way I’m living my life worth it? Are all these responsibilities ones I want to keep? For how long? What do I want my life to look like when I am grown up and outside this college?

Tuesday I had an evaluation moment. I thought about the homework I have to do over this summer: finish a research paper, write a story, read six books, read a magazine. I needed to clean the house, I needed to find time to finish a few pieces of new art for a coffee shop in Lebanon, Pa. I wondered if my post-college life would continue on this same pattern: work all day, come home, work for several hours, allow a little reading or baking cupcakes, a little talking with Greg, and then sleep to begin it all again.

For the past month I’ve been house-sitting, and to get to the house, I drive on some very country roads. It’s a beautiful route, but a little scary around dusk or after dark. In every field there are deer, including baby deer that panic and careen across the road when they see my headlights coming. All the deer work to keep my eyes trained on the landscape, and I notice things:

The tree at the corner of Alpat and Chesnut Grove roads which has a forked hollow at its base, through which you can see the sky, and inside someone humorous placed a small garden gnome. The horizon line through this gap is so much lower than anywhere else — if I knelt there, the grass could be a tiny sea and the sky limitless.

Late-afternoon sun resting on fields and leaves, a golden glow that seems like another dimension lurking at the corners of our vision. It calls out unexpected hollows and curves in faces and the earth’s surface.

It made me think: the real sin in assignments, in responsibilities, in filling your life with things like “The Best American Short Stories,” research papers, or assigned reading is letting them narrow your vision of the world. If you cannot take time at least once in your day to take in your surroundings and observe the minutiae of daily routine (or deviations from it), then you are oblivious to the fabric of real life, its silk-fine or linen-thick threads, the sheen of a square foot of plain-colored fabric.

Of this summer, will I note only enough details to write, “There once was a man, he lived and he died, the end”?

There are plenty of people and organizations quite willing to give anyone responsibilities, tasks, assignments (including self-created assignments). And the desire to complete all of these assignments well and in a timely manner is admirable. But is it worth it?

No. Not if there is not time to contemplate a little, every day.

College coursework has given me a lot of knowledge, the examples of wise professors and a few surprisingly wise classmates, and self-discipline in abundance. So as I begin the part of my life where I am completely self-determined, my self-created assignment is this: learn to do less. Depth of craft and internal dialogue with wisdom cannot happen in a frenetic life.

The end.