Thursday, May 24, 2007

ever eccentric

Hi loves. This is another update to let you know that I am still alive. But it will not tell you much more than that. Because frankly, I am trying to be wholly here and trying to soak up, imbibe, immerse, percolate, seep, infuse, absorb, inundate myself with what's left of my time in Italy. And blogging, trying to place myself outside of Italy and choose what will be most meaningful to communicate, is distracting me from this endeavor.

I'm struggling with the fact, currently, that none of you can really know what the every day, day-to-day is like here. I can't give you the smells and the buzzwords and the banal, absurd dinner-table conversation which happens. I can't give you the heat or the sudden cool of stepping into the convent corridor. What does the sky from my window look like? Have you ever just watched the swallows for an hour? They look like they're diving towards some kind of center, they look like water bugs, their motion is one quick pencil gesture on the smoothest paper. Even a poem is going to fall short, and a poem is the most potent way to communicate that I know.

Will you all still like me, now that I've been abroad and changed so much? I wondered that. I wondered how much I've actually changed, and how much it's just my perception of myself that's changed by being in new company and new culture all the time. I think you'll still like me. I hope. Will you still approve of me? I wondered that too, and the answer is not quite as clear. I can picture some of you just clucking your tongues and trying to convince me that some of the decisions I've made this semester are wrong, that some of the attitudes I've adopted are inappropriate. But if you still like me, does that give me leverage to change your minds?

Sometimes even I'm weirded out by being in my brain. = ) But mostly I'm happy. Today, for instance, I couldn't be happier if I tried. Well, unless I could have huge hugs from all of you. That would make me happier. Also if I had remembered to shave my legs before wearing a skirt and coming to Blue Bar for the internet (apparently, I learned this today - Italians do not have cappucino after lunch. They have espresso, but not cappucino. Is that odd? I think yes.). I stick out enough without trying - I should probably at least make a vague attempt to fit in. Yes?

Somewhere along the way I passed the 500-post mark of this blog. In fact, I passed the 550 post mark. I feel like that's really a lot. But is it? It's about three years' worth of me thinking out loud to you. I wonder why, as such an internal, private person, I feel OK just talking out loud to the interwebs like this. But I guess it's because I'm still picking and choosing what I'm saying, and I also have time to craft my narrative if I so choose, although often I don't. Has my writing improved at all because I've been writing so frequently on this blog? Will I look back on any of my posts and be proud or happy? Eh. Who knows. I have honestly run out of motivation to really ponder these self-evaluative questions. I'm just me, and I guess that's OK right now. Yes?

4 comments:

ReformationGirl said...

Hey Mackenzie!

Guess what? I'm graduated! It's a wonderful feeling, really. I'm so happy!

I got your postcard the other day and I wanted to thank you for sending it :) I'm headed off to Colorado for the entire summer to spend it with Sarah and Graham- then I start UAH in the fall. I'm really excited about that too. But of course that means I won't get to see you when you get back :( I have been reading your blog though and it really sounds like you are having the time of your life. I hope the rest of your stay goes fantastically well, and that you have a safe flight home. I'll be thinking about you and I also hope you have a great summer before starting your senior (can you believe it?) year!

-Abbi :)

Liz said...

Kenzie--I love you, I miss you, you know the drill. :) I kind of wanted to answer some of your probably-mostly-rhetorical questions, so I did.

I fully approve of your decision to immerse in the Italian experience. You can always tell us about it later, or whatever of it that you can tell us. I think I understand that there will be no total knowing of your experience for us. I feel that wish to share experience, too, and a certain frustration about the boringness of my telling. You're not boring, though, so that's nice. ;)

I will like you. I expect that I will even aprove of you, although obviously I don't know what changes we're talking about. I expect that even if we disagree about stuff, I will still aprove of you. Does that make sense, or is it totally beside the point?

Sure, vague attempts at fitting in are good.

I think it's very likely that writing so often has improved your writing. And just being you is definitely OK. Yes.

Call me when you get back in the country, okay?

Much love,
Liz

Mackenzie said...

Dear Liz,

I hardly ever ask rhetorical questions. I'm excited to see you again, and I will most certainly give you a call when I get back into the states. I would have replied to this comment on your blog so you would be sure of seeing it, but something has happened and it is now hidden.

You are amazing.

The end.

Ruth said...

Yes, Teh Kenzie, I will still like you. Because you're cool, even when you're in Italy.