So... I kinda have this song of Bruce Cockburn's really stuck in my head.
We go crying
We come laughing
We'll never understand the times we're passing
Oh, could be the famine
could be the feast
could be the pusher
could be the priest
always ourselves we love the least
that's the burden of the angel-beast....
It seems sort of appropriate. I'm so tired right now I'm not understanding anything. = )
Today was good I guess. Long, again. I can tell I'm going to be incredibly irritated with my biology professor before the class is over and done. Ah well. That dumb annoying hick lady didn't talk above five minutes today, so that was nice. Paxton didn't immediately start bawling when he was left in my care, so that was a huge ego boost. I sometimes think the only reason I'd ever have a kid is so that at least one of the little buggers wouldn't be scared silly at the sight of me.
Mmm.... I got back from work today, and ate and all that good stuff, and when I went to my room to change out of my work clothes, there was this beautiful magnolia flower sitting by my bed. It's those kinds of things that you really miss at college. People don't do random "I love you" things, at least not very often.
'Night all. Happy sleepings, happy wakings. Happy blossoming in the newly summer sun.
Oh unanswerable affliction of the human heart:
how to divide the world into acceptable
and unacceptable loves.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Monday, June 06, 2005
A Real Post?
I so feel like you all deserve a real post. So here goes. My attempt at a real post. Hold onto your hats, it could be a wild ride.
Haha.... Right. Wild.
Today didn't start off so hot, because I overslept my alarm, but I made it to work ontime, so although I didn't get a shower... it's all good. Paxton, Dr. Dupper's baby has started teething, and he was extremely grumpy today. Also, I'm a strange person and he was left alone with me, and he was upset. In short, he cried a lot. I also got left on my own for the first time, and that was... interesting.
And my dog smells really bad, even after his bath. He smells like dog. Icky.
My original to-do list today was "1) get to work 2) survive work 3) be slightly ticked off with the world 4) go home and sleep." I did a lot of thinking though, in and among random story ideas, and my revised list ended up being 1) dance in the rain. Check, sort of. Danced in the parking lot after work, although by then the thunderstorms were over. 2) Laugh loudly. Check. Paxton is the cutest baby ever, and when he looks like he's so happy he just can't stand it, you can't help laughing too. 3) Read poetry. Check. Louise Gluck:
The Greeks are sitting on the beach
wondering what to do when the war ends. No one
wants to go home, back
to that bony island; everyone wants a little more
of what there is in Troy, more
life on the edge, that sense of every day as being
packed with surprises. But how to explain this
to the ones at home to whom
fighting a war is a plausible excuse for absence, whereas
exploring one's capacity for diversion
is not. Well, this can be faced
later; these
are men of action, ready to leave
insight to the women and children.
Thinking things over in the hot sun, pleased
by a new strength in their forearms, which seem
more golden than they did at home, some
begin to miss their families a little,
to miss their wives, to want to see
if the war has aged them. And a few grow
slightly uneasy: what if war is just a male version of dressing up,
a game devised to avoid profound spiritual questions? Ah,
but it wasn't only the war. The world had begun
calling them, an opera beginning with the war's
loud chords and ending with the floating aria of the sirens.
There on the beach, discussing the various
timetables for getting home, no one believed
it could take ten years to get back to Ithaca;
no one foresaw that decade of insoluble dilemma - oh unanswerable
affliction of the human heart: how to divide
the world's beauty into acceptable
and unacceptable loves! On the shores of Troy,
how could the Greeks know
they were hostage already: who once
delays the journey is already enthralled; how could they know
that of their small number
some would be held forever by the dreams of pleasure,
some by sleep, some by music?
4) Really look at people. I decided that the biggest problem with my writing is that my characters are all two dimensional. I also decided that the reason my characters are two dimensional is because I see real people as two dimensional. So maybe if I can really see real people, I can really write real people. Definitely not check. I sort of forgot about this resolution five minutes after I made it.
5) Ask the hard questions: Is this real? Is it worth saying?
Why is rain one of those ridiculously captivating things?
And even more than rain, the just-after-the-rain sky. I could look at it for hours.
On the way home from work today, after a long long day of 10 and a half hours, screaming babies, disgruntled and ill patients, and complete weirdness, I saw a rainbow. I was coming up over a hill and just about to round a curve, Jars of Clay playing loudly on the radio, and immediately in front of me, over a field glowing gold against a slate blue sky, was a rainbow.
I feel like my hold on joy is about as tenuous as that rainbow's hold on the sky.
It's funny how we think of rainbows as a huge sight that dominates the sky, whose colors are bright and overwhelming. In the abstract they're so clear. In reality they're just the opposite. They're wispy, ethereal, and they disappear if you look at them too long. They're subtle. If you're not looking, you may not see it. They do, however, dominate the sky once noticed. I guess I'm sort of saying there should be this greater faith metaphor there within the rainbow. I guess I'm also sort of saying that I don't know what it is, but I feel like it's important. Judge for yourselves. Take it as, perhaps, an oddly constructed piece of poetry, where your part in the conversation is to decide if it's important enough to figure out or not.
To me it was definitely a symbol.
You were there when I needed you,
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open.
Haha.... Right. Wild.
Today didn't start off so hot, because I overslept my alarm, but I made it to work ontime, so although I didn't get a shower... it's all good. Paxton, Dr. Dupper's baby has started teething, and he was extremely grumpy today. Also, I'm a strange person and he was left alone with me, and he was upset. In short, he cried a lot. I also got left on my own for the first time, and that was... interesting.
And my dog smells really bad, even after his bath. He smells like dog. Icky.
My original to-do list today was "1) get to work 2) survive work 3) be slightly ticked off with the world 4) go home and sleep." I did a lot of thinking though, in and among random story ideas, and my revised list ended up being 1) dance in the rain. Check, sort of. Danced in the parking lot after work, although by then the thunderstorms were over. 2) Laugh loudly. Check. Paxton is the cutest baby ever, and when he looks like he's so happy he just can't stand it, you can't help laughing too. 3) Read poetry. Check. Louise Gluck:
The Greeks are sitting on the beach
wondering what to do when the war ends. No one
wants to go home, back
to that bony island; everyone wants a little more
of what there is in Troy, more
life on the edge, that sense of every day as being
packed with surprises. But how to explain this
to the ones at home to whom
fighting a war is a plausible excuse for absence, whereas
exploring one's capacity for diversion
is not. Well, this can be faced
later; these
are men of action, ready to leave
insight to the women and children.
Thinking things over in the hot sun, pleased
by a new strength in their forearms, which seem
more golden than they did at home, some
begin to miss their families a little,
to miss their wives, to want to see
if the war has aged them. And a few grow
slightly uneasy: what if war is just a male version of dressing up,
a game devised to avoid profound spiritual questions? Ah,
but it wasn't only the war. The world had begun
calling them, an opera beginning with the war's
loud chords and ending with the floating aria of the sirens.
There on the beach, discussing the various
timetables for getting home, no one believed
it could take ten years to get back to Ithaca;
no one foresaw that decade of insoluble dilemma - oh unanswerable
affliction of the human heart: how to divide
the world's beauty into acceptable
and unacceptable loves! On the shores of Troy,
how could the Greeks know
they were hostage already: who once
delays the journey is already enthralled; how could they know
that of their small number
some would be held forever by the dreams of pleasure,
some by sleep, some by music?
4) Really look at people. I decided that the biggest problem with my writing is that my characters are all two dimensional. I also decided that the reason my characters are two dimensional is because I see real people as two dimensional. So maybe if I can really see real people, I can really write real people. Definitely not check. I sort of forgot about this resolution five minutes after I made it.
5) Ask the hard questions: Is this real? Is it worth saying?
Why is rain one of those ridiculously captivating things?
And even more than rain, the just-after-the-rain sky. I could look at it for hours.
On the way home from work today, after a long long day of 10 and a half hours, screaming babies, disgruntled and ill patients, and complete weirdness, I saw a rainbow. I was coming up over a hill and just about to round a curve, Jars of Clay playing loudly on the radio, and immediately in front of me, over a field glowing gold against a slate blue sky, was a rainbow.
I feel like my hold on joy is about as tenuous as that rainbow's hold on the sky.
It's funny how we think of rainbows as a huge sight that dominates the sky, whose colors are bright and overwhelming. In the abstract they're so clear. In reality they're just the opposite. They're wispy, ethereal, and they disappear if you look at them too long. They're subtle. If you're not looking, you may not see it. They do, however, dominate the sky once noticed. I guess I'm sort of saying there should be this greater faith metaphor there within the rainbow. I guess I'm also sort of saying that I don't know what it is, but I feel like it's important. Judge for yourselves. Take it as, perhaps, an oddly constructed piece of poetry, where your part in the conversation is to decide if it's important enough to figure out or not.
To me it was definitely a symbol.
You were there when I needed you,
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
So....
I... don't really hate anyone anymore.
Today I hated everyone, and the entire world, and wished God had never made humans, especially not me. I tried repeating the mantra, "I'm OK with it, I'm at peace...." but that didn't work. Then I tried repeating the mantra, "I'm not here right now, I'm not here right now," but that didn't produce results either. I eventually tried both "I will not kill anyone, I will not kill anyone, I am a pacifist" and "go away, leave me alone, don't speak to me, don't look at me, don't touch me. Go away, leave me alone." None of those had the desired effect - first choice being the sudden implosion of every single human being on the planet, and second choice being the sudden appearance of a soundproof, sightproof, and entranceproof room in which I was completely enclosed, perhaps with some soothing music, or better yet, complete silence.
Then I went to the quiz meet, entirely against my will I might add, and somehow.... it was just all better. Abbi was there, and it was really good to see her again, and all those cute little B quizzers that for some inexplicable reason like me.... Yeah. I dunno. I'm not particularly happy with the South in general still, but I don't hate the whole world now.... So yeah, it's all cool, and I really am at peace with it.
Thank you all for listening to this long and rambling... thing. And for not biting my head off for biting yours off yesterday. I really am tired of being mocked and made fun of, but I can handle it, because I love you guys, and whatever you throw at me has got to be good in the long run right?
Today I hated everyone, and the entire world, and wished God had never made humans, especially not me. I tried repeating the mantra, "I'm OK with it, I'm at peace...." but that didn't work. Then I tried repeating the mantra, "I'm not here right now, I'm not here right now," but that didn't produce results either. I eventually tried both "I will not kill anyone, I will not kill anyone, I am a pacifist" and "go away, leave me alone, don't speak to me, don't look at me, don't touch me. Go away, leave me alone." None of those had the desired effect - first choice being the sudden implosion of every single human being on the planet, and second choice being the sudden appearance of a soundproof, sightproof, and entranceproof room in which I was completely enclosed, perhaps with some soothing music, or better yet, complete silence.
Then I went to the quiz meet, entirely against my will I might add, and somehow.... it was just all better. Abbi was there, and it was really good to see her again, and all those cute little B quizzers that for some inexplicable reason like me.... Yeah. I dunno. I'm not particularly happy with the South in general still, but I don't hate the whole world now.... So yeah, it's all cool, and I really am at peace with it.
Thank you all for listening to this long and rambling... thing. And for not biting my head off for biting yours off yesterday. I really am tired of being mocked and made fun of, but I can handle it, because I love you guys, and whatever you throw at me has got to be good in the long run right?
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Haha....
Wow, went through a major mood swing today. Happy as all crap, then despairing as all get out. Then happy as all crap again.
I think that I sort of find it comforting that people don't take my talent/identity crises all that seriously. I mean.... I dunno. It's just oddly comforting.
I'd forgotten how good it felt to putter. I think I could get used to this puttering thing.
Aaron's brilliant analogy:
"Deep throat approaching the White House and saying, 'Hey, you're breaking the law! You shouldn't do that!' is like some guy who's getting the snot beat out of him in an alley saying, 'You know that you've now crossed the line into second degree assault? There are penalties for that!' "
Haha, yeah, laughed a lot at that one. Not sure if I got his exact words right, but you know I love you anyway Aaron, right? = D
I think that I sort of find it comforting that people don't take my talent/identity crises all that seriously. I mean.... I dunno. It's just oddly comforting.
I'd forgotten how good it felt to putter. I think I could get used to this puttering thing.
Aaron's brilliant analogy:
"Deep throat approaching the White House and saying, 'Hey, you're breaking the law! You shouldn't do that!' is like some guy who's getting the snot beat out of him in an alley saying, 'You know that you've now crossed the line into second degree assault? There are penalties for that!' "
Haha, yeah, laughed a lot at that one. Not sure if I got his exact words right, but you know I love you anyway Aaron, right? = D
The Fun Ones
Here's a survey thingy. But only the questions I liked.
1. Pierce your nose or tongue? They say that actions speak louder than words.
5. Single or Taken? (to quote Alex) "Single! And ladies (this is a quote remember), my phone number is 879 - 3065!"
6. Simple or complicated? I think I already missed the simple train.
7. Law or anarchy? Hm, good question... do I spring for goody-toe-shoes or masochistic rebel?
9. Grey or gray? Preferably the British spelling, because the british just rock my socks off.
11. Color or black-and-white photos? What kind of cruel society would make one choose?
12. Sunrise or sunset? Sunrise I think, although I like sunset too. Moonrise is also pretty freakin' cool.
17. Is it POP or SODA? Pop!!!!!!1
18. X or O in Tic-tac-toe? "Circle gets the square." Ah, I'm so glad they worked their butts off and became stars so they can play tic-tac-toe on telivision... my heroes.
24. Tall members of the opposite gender or short? Taller than me but less tall than, say, Chewbacca.
26. Emerald or ruby? Emerald. Green is my favorite color after all.
28. Left or right? (this one's for you Jenn!) Bob and Tom.
29. 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? One best friend
37. Cat or dog? Kittens!
40. Hard cover books or soft cover books? Hardcover
47. Hugging or kissing? (just to be inflammatory) kissing! (hahaha.... I make me laugh sometimes....)
48. Corduroy or plaid? What kind of cruel world would make you decide between one good and an even greater but completely different good?
49. Happy or sad? Oh, sad, definitely. I love being sad. I wallow in it. I know y'all do too.
50. Purple or green? green
and, just for kicks, my own special # 51 and #52.
51. Southern accent or no southern accent? None, although I think I'm developing one in the presence of hicks.
52. Kiri or no Kiri? KIRI!!!!!!!!!!!
Hahaha.... Wow, I'm in a good mood today. Freaky. I didn't even get to sleep in.
1. Pierce your nose or tongue? They say that actions speak louder than words.
5. Single or Taken? (to quote Alex) "Single! And ladies (this is a quote remember), my phone number is 879 - 3065!"
6. Simple or complicated? I think I already missed the simple train.
7. Law or anarchy? Hm, good question... do I spring for goody-toe-shoes or masochistic rebel?
9. Grey or gray? Preferably the British spelling, because the british just rock my socks off.
11. Color or black-and-white photos? What kind of cruel society would make one choose?
12. Sunrise or sunset? Sunrise I think, although I like sunset too. Moonrise is also pretty freakin' cool.
17. Is it POP or SODA? Pop!!!!!!1
18. X or O in Tic-tac-toe? "Circle gets the square." Ah, I'm so glad they worked their butts off and became stars so they can play tic-tac-toe on telivision... my heroes.
24. Tall members of the opposite gender or short? Taller than me but less tall than, say, Chewbacca.
26. Emerald or ruby? Emerald. Green is my favorite color after all.
28. Left or right? (this one's for you Jenn!) Bob and Tom.
29. 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? One best friend
37. Cat or dog? Kittens!
40. Hard cover books or soft cover books? Hardcover
47. Hugging or kissing? (just to be inflammatory) kissing! (hahaha.... I make me laugh sometimes....)
48. Corduroy or plaid? What kind of cruel world would make you decide between one good and an even greater but completely different good?
49. Happy or sad? Oh, sad, definitely. I love being sad. I wallow in it. I know y'all do too.
50. Purple or green? green
and, just for kicks, my own special # 51 and #52.
51. Southern accent or no southern accent? None, although I think I'm developing one in the presence of hicks.
52. Kiri or no Kiri? KIRI!!!!!!!!!!!
Hahaha.... Wow, I'm in a good mood today. Freaky. I didn't even get to sleep in.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Eagerly Awaited, I'm Sure
Here is your update, which, I'm sure, has been eagerly awaited by a rapt audience.
Heh. Right.
Lots has been going on, and I keep thinking of lots of things I want to tell everyone, and I started writing them all down in my notebook (which I was trying to take my biology notes in - it all kept getting tangled up with my latest idea about my office girl story anyway, so I figured, why not add in just one more thing to confuse me? And... to be totally honest, it's not like I use my notes to study. They're just sort of there, mostly because I think I probably should take notes.) but then for the past couple days I just don't have the motivation to type them all into blogger. So... you're not getting them.
And anyway, who would want to read uncensored ramblings from Mackenzie's head?
It turns out that on Fridays we get out early from work, usually at about 3. So today after work I decided, hey, I'm going to go to Java Jaay's and study, because I can't study at home. I get completely and totally distracted, not to mention losing all motivation. So I did. And it was great. I'm thinking of making it a weekly tradition. I can leave work, go there, get coffee or an italian cream soda or something, and study or write. I can take my portable CD player, and even my computer, because they have wireless internet there. They also have really cushy chairs and some tables littered throughout the entire place. They're only open from 6am till 6pm, but I'm intending to be home for dinner anyway, so it doesn't matter much. I've been really wondering how and when I could fit in writing time, and this could be it. I could just set aside a firm hour or so (or however long the spirit takes me), and write in a coffee shop in a cushy chair. I also like the fact that writing in a coffee shop sounds like the epitome of bohemian/college student/author/esqueness. I mean think about it, the communists used to meet in coffee shops, and they've always been kind of a center for pretentious upcoming artist/college student types. You also read about authors writing in high-tech wireless equipped cafes all the time, with their trusty laptops by the side, and perhaps a dictaphone or something in case a lightning briliant idea strikes them.
Heck yes, that's what I want to be: a bohemian/college student/author/artist/esque type. Too bad pretension seems to go with pretty much most of that.
At any rate, I raise my glass of coffee in a toast to all of you! Happy Friday!
Heh. Right.
Lots has been going on, and I keep thinking of lots of things I want to tell everyone, and I started writing them all down in my notebook (which I was trying to take my biology notes in - it all kept getting tangled up with my latest idea about my office girl story anyway, so I figured, why not add in just one more thing to confuse me? And... to be totally honest, it's not like I use my notes to study. They're just sort of there, mostly because I think I probably should take notes.) but then for the past couple days I just don't have the motivation to type them all into blogger. So... you're not getting them.
And anyway, who would want to read uncensored ramblings from Mackenzie's head?
It turns out that on Fridays we get out early from work, usually at about 3. So today after work I decided, hey, I'm going to go to Java Jaay's and study, because I can't study at home. I get completely and totally distracted, not to mention losing all motivation. So I did. And it was great. I'm thinking of making it a weekly tradition. I can leave work, go there, get coffee or an italian cream soda or something, and study or write. I can take my portable CD player, and even my computer, because they have wireless internet there. They also have really cushy chairs and some tables littered throughout the entire place. They're only open from 6am till 6pm, but I'm intending to be home for dinner anyway, so it doesn't matter much. I've been really wondering how and when I could fit in writing time, and this could be it. I could just set aside a firm hour or so (or however long the spirit takes me), and write in a coffee shop in a cushy chair. I also like the fact that writing in a coffee shop sounds like the epitome of bohemian/college student/author/esqueness. I mean think about it, the communists used to meet in coffee shops, and they've always been kind of a center for pretentious upcoming artist/college student types. You also read about authors writing in high-tech wireless equipped cafes all the time, with their trusty laptops by the side, and perhaps a dictaphone or something in case a lightning briliant idea strikes them.
Heck yes, that's what I want to be: a bohemian/college student/author/artist/esque type. Too bad pretension seems to go with pretty much most of that.
At any rate, I raise my glass of coffee in a toast to all of you! Happy Friday!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
